Two Anecdotes about Garrett

Taken at the NJ Aquarium last month. I really need to upload pictures off my cameras!

Garrett has officially turned 6 and half years old. He is getting big but yet is still very young is a lot of ways. Parenting gets harder and harder it seems. Why do I think this? Because the child becomes more complex, his world is more complex, and so the problems and challenges are more complex. Garrett and I seem to go through rough patches, more frequently then I want to admit. Some moments I can be so angry or frustrated at him but then the next moment he is very cute and my heart melts. So before I forget any more of these stories, hereare two recent anecdotes about Garrett. (And forget I will as I had planned to write 3 but I can't remember the third one for the life of me.)





A Young Jean Piaget?

I was trying to do school work with Garrett. I was getting frustrated with his behavior. I can't remember exactly what he was doing this time but it typically involves a lot of movement, talking, playing with some toy, and generally not truely paying attention to school work. The following conversation ensued.

Me: Garrett, I'm going to send you to the zoo!
Garrett: What will they feed me?

Me: Hay and grass and fish

Garrett: They are going to feed me what the animals eat?
Me: Yes. I am going to send you to the zoo because you are acting like a wild animal!
Garrett: I'm not acting like an animal. I"m acting like a kid. Kids play!

ummm... Thank you young Jean Piaget for the reminder.  (Over the past several years I often quote "A Child's Work is Play" to Garrett when he wants to watch tv or play video games and I tell him to go play. I guess the message has sunk in. Lets hope he doesn't use it further to wiggle out of school work.)

I find it funny and interesting too that his first question was "what will they feed me."

 A Young Metalhead? 

For some reason we were sitting in the parking lot of our local grocery store eating Arby's Chocolate Turnovers (thank you Arby's for bringing 'em back!) and listening to music on the radio. The Metallica song "Seek and Destroy" came on. This is a heavy metal song and its really long- almost 7 minutes. Well Garrett put down his chocolate turnover and started rocking out to it on his air guitar. It had to be the most elaborate air guitar-ing I have ever seen him do. It was so funny and cute at the same time. And he did it for the whole dang song. After the song was over I explained to him that genre of rock music is called "Heavy Metal" and in the future if he wants to listen to that kind of music he should ask for "heavy metal rock." Then he proceded to observe that the radio station we were listening to is programmed channel #1 in our radio. Then, for over a week, every time we got in the car he would automatically say "Turn it to channel 1. I want the rock." So funny. Gotta love it. We butt heads over it though because I am a major channel surfer when it comes to music and my nerves can not always take heavy rock anymore.

Ever since this little episode I have noticed him really rocking out and dancing to music a lot. (He has always loved to dance and listen to musis. Often if we are having a rough day or just a blah day I will turn on the mp3 player and we dance. That gets him going.) When Aunt Heather, CJ, and Garrett were riding in the car together they pulled up to me all three of them were playing various imaginary instruments to the TSO, the drums, violin, and guitar, and they wouldn't come out of the car until the song was over. (TSO is the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, as a side note Brian and I saw them in concert twice- a very good show!) Garrett also has been saying lately, when he hears a song he rally likes, "Do you know who made that song?"  Who? "I did!" 

You should also get a peak at his awesome break-dancing abilities. Its very entertaining. (And I learned that the music he likes to dance to has a name\classification I never knew existed. Its classified to different beats per minute, like 160 BPM. So all the song in that genre can be easily mixed on a turn table, or something like that.)  ;) 

Don't worry. We listen to a lot of different music around here. Mostly because Brian finds it all and he is more culturally diversified them I am, although I am pretty diverse as well.   

ok... I remember another story to share. This one is a tad bit embarrassing for me.  I'm going to use fake names for the other people in this story.

A Young Arms Dealer?

 Garrett was sitting at the table one evening having a snack. He said "mom, I have 8 dollars!!" How do you have 8 dollars Garrett?? (You should know Garrett loves money, love spending money, and loves acquiring money.)  "Benny gave me 5 dollars and I had 3 in my account." Why did Benny give you $5 Garrett??? "He just gave it to me!"  No Garrett, he did not just give you 5 dollars. Ok, what did you guys trade? You know you aren't suppose to do that! (Garrett and Benny will trade toys often and buy toys from each other, something they have both been told not to do, especially since they have little understanding of value and the fact some things belong together.)  Garrett says "umm...I sold him a little parachute man."  Garrett, I don't believe Benny would buy that little toy you got from the dentist for $5. And even if he did, you are giving his money back and you will get your toy back. I think you are lying and I'm going to call his parents. (but I wait about 15 minutes and Garrett still isn't giving me more information.) 

So I called the parents who were at the shopping center getting ready to leave for a Thanksgiving trip. I tell the mom "Garrett has 5 or 8 dollars that Benny gave him for something. He tells me it was for a little man but I don't really doubt it and don't know the whole story." Let me ask Benny says the mom. It took a while for her to come back to the phone..."ohh, it was a fishing knife!"  Oh My Gosh! I knew exactly what knife this was. Its not a pocket knife, but an open, two sided knife storied in sleeve.The blade is several inches long "Umm...we will come back and drop it off!" said the mother. 

First of all, talk about being embarrassing . I very ungracefully said I was sorry this happened, and that I tell the two boys all the time not to trade\buy stuff from each other, and that I know the fishing knife was in Garrett's tackle box which was way up high in his closet where he can't reach it, so one of the bigger boys must have gotten it down. But luckily these neighbors and I are friends and both down to earth and they were not mad about it. Benny confirmed that he gave Garrett $5 and not $8 and the father brought the knife back. 

Now isn't in interesting that Garrett had the street smarts to try and lie about  what he sold to Benny, because he knew that he should not have given him a knife nor been playing with it at all. Yet he wasn't smart enough to just keep his mouth shut about having $8. It goes to show that when we are kids we think we are so smart and then don't understand how our parents always find things out  (and they say "a little birdie told me") but really we just can't think a thing through all the way.

The knife is a knife that was in his little fishing tackle box. Grandpa put the knife in there for when they went fishing together so they could cut lines and stuff. The day before Garrett had re-discovered his tackle box and brought it upstairs while I was in the bathroom or something and then proceeded to show me the knife. He wanted to pretend to fight with it. umm, no son, we don't do that with a real knife! But silly me put it in the closet, on the top shelf on top of a box. There was no way Garrett was going to get it again, but I wasn't thinking about all the bigger boys that come to our house. What Garrett finally admitted was that he told his friends "want to see a knife?" and told them to get the box down. And supposedly Benny liked it and offered to pay for it (but I never believe any of these boys 100%. It could have easily been Garrett who suggested the trade seeing how much he loves money right now.) 

So that is Garrett, a young arms dealer!! (And sadly this isn't the first time a knife escaped our house. Once I happened to go into Garrett's room and found an empty wooden box that held a gift set of a pocket knife, pliers, a small flash light, and other things like that. I immediately went outside and tracked the 4 boys down at another neighbors house and they each forked over an item. They said they were going to wittle or something like that. The items came from a box set that belonged to Brian and was usually in his computer room but we were moving some furniture around. A book case from that room ended up in Garrett's room and the box was in it, and thus they found it.

Not Just A Mother to Sons...

(note: the post says this was posted on the 16th but really its the 17th. )

Its that time of year again, when I celebrate and remember my little daughter who left our lives way too fast. Today marks 8 years that our Sierra Mae was born still and silent and very, very tiny. Eight years! When I think eight years, I think of how Sierra should be getting baptized in May. (She was suppose to be born around May 1st 2003.)  So much has changed since our first baby came to us for such a short time....

Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.

Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. The lives of all of us, of course, go through similar alterations and changes. The difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes.  President Monson

Back then... I was taking my last college class to finish my associates degree. It was statistics and I had a super nice (and cute!) math teacher. The final exam got snowed out and was rescheduled for the day we were going back to the specialist to check on Sierra and attempt another amnio on me. I asked Professor Lukie if I could take the test in the testing center the day before. So on Dec 15th I took the final. On Dec 16 I found out my baby had died. I was a graduate. I never did walk down the aisle because I was in grief but I do regret that now since I have never went to any graduation.

Back then.... I was working at the mall at the San Francisco Music Box Company. My boss and I were pregnant at the same time. She was a bit further along then me. Before I got pregnant I was always so busy with going to school full time, working part time, and having internships. But at the time I was pregnant with Sierra I was preparing to be a stay-at-home mom. I only had 1 school class and was just working part time until I would stop at some point during my pregnancy. I remember feeling bad that I couldn't work during the busy Christmas season because of my grief. And I remember how it was hard to go back to work, especially seeing so many pregnant women in the mall. And knowing your co-workers just don't know what to say or do around you.  

Back then... I was serving in the Young Women program in my ward as a Mia Maid advisor and also the camp director. I remember wondering out loud to my good friend Amber, who was in the presidency, if I could possibly do camp the following year with a young baby. (Shudder- now I would never even consider such a thing!) When Sierra died, I think it was a new experience for the YW leaders that I served with and they didn't know what to tell the girls. So they told them nothing. Finally it was pointed out that the YW needed to know before I came back to church and she told them. I remember a short time later baring my testimony to the YW, with lots of tears on my part. 

Back then... my dad was getting really sick. The day I gave birth to Sierra he had surgery. He was in Delaware. I was in Baltimore. Then a few months later, on what should have been Sierra's due date, I was at Brian's grandfather's funeral in Alabama. I gave my in-laws Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness pins to wear that day. When I got home I received a phone call that my dad was really sick and needed my help. It was a lot of trauma for a long time helping him. He was dying of liver failure due to Hepatitis C. It was rough. What a rough period of my life. But that is another story for another day. (He ended up not dying and getting a liver transplant while I was pregnant with Garrett.)

Back then... we decided to move to a new county. We wanted to get away from the city and we wanted to buy a house we could afford. We also wanted to be closer to Brian's family, especially considering we though we might have a child with special needs. We put our depoist down while I was pregnant with Sierra. We ended up moving into our new rental townhome in Bel Air about 3 months after Sierra's death. I remember helping unload the moving truck and seeing the expressions on the face of church members who were helping us when they pulled out a box that said Crib on it. They were concerned that I must be pregnant and I was helping to move heavy boxed. But I wasn't pregnant, not any more. Moving to a new place during this time was a bit hard. I was all alone. No school, no job, no baby. A soon to be sick father. And no one knew about my baby and how fragile I was right then. What was I and what role did I have to identify myself as? I spent a lot of time crying. Brian went to work. I was home alone. I spent a lot of time on the computer. It was  rough. And I felt so awkward. A married person. A mother but not a mother. Its hard to make friends and feel connected to anyone in a state like that.

Now it is 8 years later. Things are so different. I am in the thick of parenting. On any given month my days are spent homeschooling, cub scouting, helping breastfeeding moms, attending birth circles or potlucks for homebirthers, taking Garrett to speech, occupational therapy, playdates, co-op, field trips, serving in the church, vacuuming crumbs off the floor for the 10th time in a week, washing cloth diapers and too much laundry, soothing a teething baby, laughing at my cute little toddler saying "hi" to people in Target. I have two boys. I love my boys. I love being a mom to boys. My days are filled with being mom. Almost all my hobbies, passions, and interests are directly related to being a mom. And frankly, I have to thank my Father in Heaven for giving me Sierra to teach me, to help form me into who I am today. I know I am a better mom. A more conscious mom. Better educated (because I learned to ask questions and research) and I am more aware of what type of mom I want to be. I am so thankful for wonderful, low risk pregnancies. For healthy babies, with the correct amount of chromosomes! I am more compassionate to others. And hopefully my testimony is stronger for it all too. I learned a bit of the way God works. Of how He can put things and people in your path to help you along the way. Like a young woman's leader who I adored as a teen who shared with our little class way back when how her little twins died. She gave birth to them and held them in the palm of her hands. And how that YW leader, although now across the country, was still there to support me when I went through it...... I can thank the Lord that good things came out of sad things.   

So here I am. A mom to boys.

But I am a mom to a girl too. Its just different. This year is I find myself wondering, what would a baby girl B. look like? How would it be like to raise a girl? Now that I see how different Tristan and Garrett are in personality, I really wonder what would Sierra have been like? So what would motherhood look like with a little girl in my house?  I am sad because I think I will never have another girl (because supposedly we aren't having more babies.) I'll have to depend on daughter-in-laws to take that roll (I better start praying for awesome daughter-in-laws who love me and don't think of me in a dreadful way.)  

One of my saddest regrets (that I had no control over) is that I didn't get more time with Sierra. I would have loved to have carried her full term even though we knew she would die. I just wanted more time. And I would love to have been able to see what she really looked like, to see her hair, to be able to say "she looks like....", to be able to have at least 1 photo I felt comfortable sharing with others. To have been able to hold her in my arms and not just my hands. I still am sad that the Lord took her away so quickly. But it was His will and I can see too that my dad needed me when Sierra should have been born. And if Sierra was born in May, like my due date indicated, things would have been a lot different and rougher for my dad and me.

So I think this is the end of my post. Except I have decided to share a few things from the past. One is a poem I wrote called My Motherhood. I'm not a poet, so don't expect greatness, but it depicts what my Motherhood was like-a stark contrast to the realities of my current state of motherhood. (Sadly I don't have the exact date I wrote it. The computer says it was last modified Jan 2004 but that doesn't mean much to me.)

I'm also going to share some pictures. I don't have many pictures and many are poor quality- this was before we had a digital camera. I do  hesitate to share these because they are sad. I used to look at them all the time and not feel weird for sharing them. But they are incredibly sad looking to me now.  But I think its time to share them again. (And as a side note, I have never in 8 years watched the video we made when I was in the hospital giving birth to Sierra. But last week I took my videos to the camera shop to get them converted to DVDs. When I get them back I think I'm finally going to watch the video. )   Now for the poem and pictures...

My Motherhood.

I am a mother who… 

Loved and cherished you, my sweet child, no matter what disability of the body you had. I was willing to do anything to give you the best chance at life.

(I dreamed of helping you reach your fullest potential, no matter what that potential was)

I am a mother who…

Prayed to the Lord pleading to please let my child live. To grow up with me and Daddy. But then humbly prayed only for the Lord’s will and not mine to be done.

(Knowing that He has all power and knows so much more then my small mortal perspective can see or comprehend)

I am a mother who…

Had faith that the Lord really was in control and you are one of His special spirit children.

(For the Lord told me so. How then should I doubt?)

I am a mother who…

Had hope even when there appeared to be none.

(At times it was hard to find hope. But faith is dead without hope.)

I am a mother who…

Ensured that your small body was respected and cared for.

(For it was the temple of your spirit, if only for a short time. And will one day be made

 perfect and resurrected.)

I am a mother who…

Willingly shared you with your grandparents and aunt despite that our time was       so short together.

(For I could have never let you out of my arms, knowing that mommy and daughter time was already limited.)

And I’m a mother who…

thinks you are the cutest six inch baby to have ever been born. And perfect in every way.

(Despite what the doctors say.)

  

I am a mother who…

Chose to love even though it surely meant certain heartache.

(For what they say, “Better to love and have lost then to never loved at all,” is true.)

 And now that you are gone…

I am a mother who preserves your memory.

(I will never forget you Sierra Mae.)

And now that you are gone…

I ask Heavenly Father to bless you with strength and energy to fulfill your  heavenly mission.

(For I know your task must be hard.)

And in my prayers I remind you to “be good and remember I love you,” even though I know you already know!

 I love despite the pain. I miss you with all my heart .

(Only a mother can say that)

I am a mother.

I pray that we will be sustained until we meet again.     

These pictures are from our first ultrasound, where it was very obvious that she had a chromosomal problem.  The pictures of her hand and feet are special to me because these pictures were not originally given to me. When she was born the nurses tried to get a foot print for me but they were unable to. So I went back to the specialist and asked for the picture of her foot. The Dr. was so sweet and gave me a bunch more pictures to keep, these two included. If you notice in the first picture that outline around her head and body, that is bad stuff. Its fluid build up. 

 

This is me three weeks later waiting for the next ultrasound. This is when we found out she died. I sort of had suspicions. Yes, I am smiling. When bad things are happening I can't always be serious. That is my mother-in-law, Clara as well.

A few minutes later from the last picture. All curled up, already at peace

 (ok, do you see why ultrasounds are a bit anxiety producing for me? These were my first and only experiences with ultrasounds during pregnancy. And this is also why its a pet peeve of mine when people say "we are going to see the sex of our baby today!" Because really, you are going to see if your baby looks normal and healthy or abnormal and unhealthy.)  

 The night I was being induced. Below: My mom, mom-in-law, and sister-in-law. They eventually all went back to my house late at night. Sierra was born early on the 17th while Brian and I slept. My water broke and she was delivered right then. I was really drugged and had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I had to send her away until I could sleep off the medication.

Holding Sierra Mae

Holding Sierra Mae

Grandmas holding her. I don't know why this picture came out so terrible.

If you read this terribly long post... thank you for letting me share. When I share I feel I am keeping some of her memory alive.

4 Little Duckings

If you see me this weekend you will see not 2 but 4 little ducklings following me in a row. Ok, ok, they will probably be running around crazy since human children don't know to follow mother\aunt in an orderly fashion, and chances are at least 2 of them will be yielding some type of (toy) weapon. Brian is out of town for the weekend and Garrett and I are having 2 cousins spend the weekend with us. The kids have been dying to play together and this gives their mama a much needed break from 24\7 solo parenting (she still has the 1 yr old though, so not a complete break.)

Heather and the kids came in the afternoon. All we managed to do was go out for ice cream. But the kids played at the house and outside for a while too. I pushed both babies on the purple bike, with Tristan standing on the back. It was cute. The ice cream store Christopher's Train Garden sitting outside again. We went in there and it was really neat. The kids loved it. Its a memorial thing for a 15 yr old who died. We meet his mother and talked to her a for a bit. I need to take the boys back there again, it was fun. I put Sierra's name on the angle train and Heather put Chris Sr's name.

The kids have been good. A bit hyper as always but not too bad. I hate to admit it but Garrett really is the hyper one! We watched a really funny\silly movie called Shorts tonight while eating pizza. We also had a quick surprise visit from the missionaries. And the kids have just been playing really well all night. It took a while to get them all in bed. Ariel was ready at about 8 to go to bed but its hard to get one to bed while the others are up. She wanted to sleep on the couch. The boys wanted the air mattress in the living room. So when I finally got them all in their beds after baths, snacks, books, teeth, talking on phone with Heather, saying goodnight, I went to our bedroom to put Tristan down and Ariel came up twice (she just turned 4). Once to tell me the tree was sparkling and then to tell me she heard a noise. So I said "Do you want to sleep with me"? and she said yes. But it was funny because here the two boys come trailing in behind her. Garrett wanted to sleep with me because he was scared. I told them both to go back downstairs and I'd check on them when I was done putting baby to sleep and they could put 1 big light on. so that worked and they were all asleep by the time baby was asleep.  Ariel kept talking for a while though until I said "ok, go to sleep now!" The really cute thing is that I asked her today if she wanted to sleep in my bed and she was very sure of herself that she could sleep all by herself downstairs!

I'm going to take them to the Estuary center tomorrow morning. Then I am meeting Kim, Percy, and Kids  at the mall by temple for dinner and then the Christmas lights at the temple.

Spiritual Helps for Mothering

When you are feeling thin and worn out as a mother, do you have certain articles or scriptures that help you to catch your breath? That help you gain some perspective and to remember the big picture in parenting? Here are three of mine.

"Behold Your Little Ones" by President Gordon B. Hinkley
(I particularly love the story he mentions of Corneli 's Jewels, which is quoted from one of our school books this year. I love this book!)


"Happiness, Your Heritage" by President Uchtodorf
This one is not directly related to mothering but is directed to women in all circumstances. It is uplifting and speaks to "all who are weary" and lets face it, as moms we often are weary! I also really love the counsel to be creative. What unique advice. I have found following this counsel to be so true- to do something creative, even cutting out and laminating file folder games for our homeschool, can uplift my soul. I wonder if some of the magic in this is that as a mother and homemaker our job is never done. We do a job and the next day it needs to be done again. It feels especially good to do a project and see it truely "done!!" In a spiritual sense, taking part of creation is part of our divine natures, perhaps a drive we have. And that makes me think a lot about pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding and how powerful of an experience that can be for a women.  I also really like the counsel to serve others and through service we can find perspective, meaning, peace, and happiness in our lives.

"Daughters of God" by M Russel Ballard
When I first heard this talk in conference, I really needed to hear it! And I read it often. I still read it often. First of all, I love how he reminds us how important it is to be a mother and how our children need us. How our children are with us for such a short period of time and how we need to "focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life." However, he acknowledges how hard it can be to do in actuality and gives counsel on things we can do right now to help us in our journey.

These are my three right now. There is one more from a more recent General Conference I might add to the list soon, but I need to re-read it. I would love to hear some of your favorite spiritual resources for mothering!

Celebrating Womenhood!?

Well, Tristan is just 2 days shy of 13 months and a much watched for and anticipated milestone is upon me. I've suspected to reach this milestone "any day now" for a month. My anticipation started the week of Tristan's first birthday, as I thought, "surely it will happen soon." But no, it alluded itself for one more month. Then for the past week I started having very strong suspicions that it surely was upon me. And now tonight, yup, it has arrived.

My menstrual cycle is back. Is this perhaps the final stage of the life cycle of my pregnancy? Well, no, I think weaning would be the final stage.) But it is certainly monumental.

With my very first pregnancy with Sierra Mae, which ended with a loss at 20 weeks, my period returned so quickly it felt so wrong! How could I go from being pregnant, to not being pregnant, to having my milk come in, to having my period so fast??! I suppose from a biological stand point, when breastfeeding didn't happen my body got the message that there was no baby, and well, if there is no baby, lets work on making another one! With my second pregnancy with Garrett, my post-labor bleeding lasted a full 6 weeks. I was going up and down the steps and lifting stuff way too much. Lesson learned. But once that was finally over, my period didn't return until the week Garrett turned a year old. I was pretty happy with that even though I knew many breastfeeding moms who enjoyed an even long hiatus then a year. I was a bit envious. I would even occasionally run into mothers at our local La Leche League meetings whose fertility had not returned who were wanting to get pregnant. I did however, have one unfortunate friend whose period returned within a few months of her baby's birth despite exclusive and very frequent breastfeeding. At least that wasn't me! Poor girl. With my 3rd baby, Tristan, my post pardum bleeding went away a lot easier and went away quicker this time thanks to not lifting anything or doing steps for 2 weeks and fully relishing the "baby moon." But I unexpectedly started bleeding, slightly, again somewhere around 6-8 weeks PP. I called my midwife.  Is my period returning already?? Am I the unfortunate one this time? Or am I doing too much and my body is still not all back together? She told me she had recently had a string of moms whose period returned early despite exclusive breastfeeding. I finally went in for my last check up and I was spotting. But my uterus was back to normal and the midwife said everything looked great- and I was feeling great (except for some PP.)  But then just like that it was gone. I had a total of two very light spouts of period-like bleedings for 5 days and then it went away.

And now it has returned. Probably for good now. Am I really happy about it? Well, no. No I am not. Having your period isn't something the modern day young lady is ever taught to appreciate. But I told myself months and months ago that when my cycle returned I would try to embrace it and celebrate it. If not for the actual event, then at least for what it means. I want to (try) to extend my new found respect and revere that I have discovered for my body, myself, and for the process of giving life which my natural, conscious pregnancy and homebirth with Tristan has taught me.

So here it is: Having my menses return reminds me that I have a life giving, functioning womb. My menses is one vital part necessary for me to bring my precious babies into the world. This signifies that I (most likely) can surely get pregnant again at this point, if I so desired. What joy that really is! The gift of fertility. Of every month my body preparing a safe, nutritious place for my new baby to grow if I did happen to conceive a new life. And when it doesn't happen, it cleans up and starts all over again! Even though I don't want to get pregnant right now (and maybe never will have the chance again?!) I am grateful and honored to have the blessing of fertility. Having my menses return gives me reason to ponder, once again, how amazing my body is. What amazing bodies Heavenly Father has created for us. The more I learn about fertility, conception, pregnancy, labor, birth, and lactation the more amazed I am at these tabernacles of clay. And to think that there is still so much to be discovered about how our bodies help us rise to the challenge of being mothers. And how our bodies help us to be mothers in complete love, adoration, and attachment with our babies, in ways we don't fully understand yet..

Here is to the ability to get pregnant and to bring other sweet babies into the world....even if I don't ever get another chance.

Now, if anyone has any ideas how I can celebrate this milestone in a meaningful way, in a way that embraces womanhood, let me know! I think I will add a quilt square to my Blessingway art mural.

Vampire Weekend!

Ok... first, a primer. Vampire Weekend is a cool band from New York. Wiki describes them thus:

Vampire Weekend is an American indie rock band from New York City, formed in 2006....The band is influenced by both African popular music and Western classical music,^[4] describing their genre of music as "Upper West Side Soweto", with such songs as "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" referencing Congolese soukous music.^[5]

Check out their website or search for them on youtube to become more familiar.

 Now on to the post...
Yesterday was such a treat- a date with Brian! Grandma B came from NJ to watch the children.

First we drove down to Columbia and stopped for a bite to eat at this cool French place called La Madeline. Think Panera Bread but French. It was yummy. I had a pasta dish.  You just have to love Columbia with all the outside of the box food choices. I'm not sure moving to Columbia is going to be good for our waist lines or wallets! 

Then on to Merriweather Post Pavilion. Local friends, if you have never been here for a concert, do put it on your to-do list! Its located in Columbia, an easy drive down 95 from Harford Co. The parking is free. It feels so relaxed and fun. People tailgate in the parking lot before the show eating, drinking, playing cards, etc. "Inside" is really an open pavilion. In the very front is the pit, standing area only. Then the chairs under the pavilion so you won't get rained on (this is where our seats were.) And then there is the lawn. That is right, bring your blankets and get there early! You can even bring some food and water in (but check the website for the guidelines.) They also have a camera crew that records the concert and shows it on big screens, so even if you are far away you can still "see" the band. Brian and I are going to make it a point to take the kids there for some concerts on the lawn when we relocate. . 

The show started with a fun punk-rock all girl band called The Dum Dum Girls. Think: black hair, black stockings, guitar rocking girls. And The drummer, an Asian girl, was awesome! She had a lot of energy. The only one of the 4 member band who didn't have black hair was the base player. She was tall, red headed, probably a bit older then the others, and characteristically acted like a base player- with a serious air and only a little bit of bobbing back and forth.

In between sets I saw some people we know sit down a few rows in front of us. I elbowed Brian to point them out and he didn't believe it was them, so he tweeted to this person and a minute later the person looked back and waved. Oh thank heavens for Iphones. haha. What geeks!  ;) 

Up next was a band called Beach House, who are from Maryland. They were interesting. I liked a lot of their music but will have to listen to it more to really grow into it. They used a lot of keyboard sounds and had an interesting array of sounds. I could tell there was a large Baltimore fan base there, so excited to see a band that started out in Maryland. The lead singer in this band is a women who played the keyboard and was very melodramatic..especially with her head\hair. I could tell she was really into her music! She has long curly hair that covered her face just about the whole time. They had a nice stage show too with stars, lights, and some pyramids. Here is a video from the concert (I did not record this.)

By this time, the venue was packed! The lawn was really, really packed. People were so excited to see Vampire Weekend. This was their first concert ever in Maryland. The band came on and it was such a good show. Everyone stood up and everyone was dancing. I particularly enjoyed watching all the men dance! (I just don't have a lot of men in my life who dance openly!) Its neat being in an environment where all these people are having fun and are connected in some way for a brief while, even if only based on the fact they all enjoy one band's music and are there to have fun.

And I'm amazed at how fast the lead singer, Ezra, can talk\sing!

When the band was done with their set and they said "good night" of coarse everyone was screaming and cheering. It was so loud. My ears were ringing from it. I really wanted to stay to see if they could come out for an encore, and I really thought they would, but we left on account of having a baby at home and knowing if we left just a bit earlier it would be so much easier to get out of the parking lot. Sure enough, as we were walking out the band came out and played at least 1 more song. At least I got to hear it as we walked to the car. I hate being one of those people who hi-tail it out of their ASAP just to avoid traffic. (Isn't it horrible when people leave a baseball game at the top of the 9th inning, just to avoid the traffic?!)

Here are some videos from the concert:





We got home at about midnight. The baby did well. Grandma was rocking him in the living room because every time she put him in the bed he would wake up and cry. When he heard my voice he woke up and was happily awake for a while. Grandma left to drive home to NJ. We went to bed and for some reason at 2am he woke up screaming bloody murder for 15 minutes. Joy!

All day today while packing and working on house projects we were listening to V.W. and taking breaks to watch their music videos. Now I have my eyes on tickets to see Cloud Cult. They will be preforming in both D.C. and Philly soon, both places are 1.5 hrs away from us. I really, really want to go but think childcare will be an issue.  I love Cloud Cult!

Why....

Why is life always so stressful and complicated? Why can't I just have a normal life for once, with more normal problems? Ok, maybe I do have normal problems. But I have a few not so normal problems for a person of my age and situation in life.

What did I do with all my time when I had just Garrett and he was a toddler\pre-school-er and I didn't work? 

Any why do "they" made pieces-of-crap stuff? It makes me so freaking' angry.

And why can't I just live in a grass hut and get my water everyday from a river and carry it in a basket on my head?

Things to Know, Remember, Love, and Cherish

Today (well yesterday actually since its now past midnight) Tristan turned 10 months old. It is hard to believe how fast time is flying by. Even though I started this blog shortly after Tristan's birth, I realize I haven't been journaling his life and development. I recently was really impressed by a friend's (Megan!) scrapbook of her son's whole first year- taken mostly from her blog. It make me thing "I wish I would have done that!"

So here are things to remember, love and cherish this night on his 10 month birthday.

Tristan has 8 teeth right now. What a fast teeth-er! Yikes. He got his first tooth towards the end of his 4th month. That means we went from colic pains straight to teething pains. One of his teeth has a yellow spot. The dentist said that tooth will be more prone to decay. Great. I'm pretty sure he must be getting some new teeth soon because he has been chewing and biting on everything, all the time.

Tristan is a biter. He will bite and pull hair. Almost every morning, when inevitably both of the boys are in the big bed with me, Tristan wakes up first (usually around 7-7:30, sometimes as late as 8:30 if we got to bed late). He sits up in bed, all happy, and will do the following until I get myself and him out of bed: pull on Garrett's hair and play with the pictures on the wall. The results- Garrett crying in pain and the pictures often falling down (or almost fall down since I"m prepared to catch them at this point.)

Tristan will also bite when he is hungry. He will also be crawling and will do a dive bomb, face colliding with the carpet. He is apparently trying to bite the floor because he is hunger or tired. Or both. He pulls on his ears when he is tired.

When he was very little I always seemed to get the worse pictures of him- he could make really "ugly" facial expressions back then and I always seemed to capture them on camera. Now, he has a great gorgeous smile. I think he is posing for the camera sometimes (well, I think he is actually posing for him mamma!) But really- he is just so happy. If he looks up and we lock eyes together, he gives this great smile. He puts his teeth together and gives a big grin!

Look at that grin!

Tristan is a very happy baby. Except when he is not. My friend, Sommer, calls this a "hot\cold" baby. Another way to think of it is this: whatever he is feeling, he is feeling fully and passionately. (He throws pretty good baby tantrums complete with throwing himself on the floor!)

He is a go-getter. I call him a "bulldozer." I see him get an idea in his head and he simply goes for it. This is so very opposite from Garrett. He sees a little girl at church crawling around? Lets just go up to her and pull on her bow, maybe bite (aka kiss?) her, maybe pull her hair or take her toy. Lets show this trait in its more positive side. A picture might work better then words here:

Jello? Let's dive in!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These picture's were taken at cousin Hope's first birthday party. Aunt Heather put these bowls of jello down for the babies to play in. The other two babies? They where not so sure about things at first and took their time experimenting. Tristan? "Hey, whats this? Lets dive in!"  (I have great video's from this activity! Aunt Heather is so creative!)

Tristan by far has the cutest baby butt. Fat. Chubby. It is just so cute. I'm going to be sure to tell him that when he is, oh, I don't know, about 15. Here is photographic prof.

Speaking of chubby, fastness. Tristan weight at least 23 pounds as of a few weeks ago. He is big (and I'm reminded of that when I see other babies his age) but his weight gain has slowed down. He is not huge anymore. I knew that would happen and am glad for it.

Eating: this boy loves to eat! (Something else that is very different from big brother.) Whenever anyone around him is eating, he wants to eat too! And if he doesn't get it he will let you know he is not happy. He will cry and fuss and fuss (boy, can't wait until he learns some sign language!) He doesn't eat a lot as far as quantity goes though. He also prefers to do it all himself. He will let me feed him a bit with a spoon but he would much rather grab it from my hands and do it all by himself. He also loves drinking from cups and is very good at drinking from a straw. One cute incident: trying to leave Chick-fil-A, I had my arms full carrying him, y milkshake, and the high chair. He got a hold of the straw to the milkshake and was just drinking away as I carried him out. A man saw him and laughed and said "he really likes that milkshake!" 

Tristan really was very motivated to eat from a pretty young age. But his development just wasn't where it needed to be in order to eat solid foods successfully. He wanted food so bad, so I would let him try it, and he would choke, gag, all that pleasant stuff. But there was a week when his development just seem to have this epiphany- he got the whole chew and swallow thing down pat and was eating away. This happened on our Tennessee vacation in July and warranted an update to daddy who was still in Md: "He finally figured out how to chew and swallow. He is eating all kinds of things!"

Humm, weird I can't find any pictures of when he is a total mess from eating

 

 

  Speaking of eating, he puts anything and everything in his mouth. I know this is typical baby behavior, but man! Its constant.

A Few Current Favorite Activities of Tristan's: 

Pulling stuff out of the recycle bin, usually once a day. Unfortunately, he often pulls the bin on top of himself as well.

Unloading the dishwaher, climbing into the dishwasher, anything dishwasher

 

 

He simply loves to swing. He smiles and has a grand old time. But he will also, just, almost go to sleep in it when he is tired. When ever I decide its time for him to get out of the swing he has a fit about 99% of the time. 

 

 

Water sports: pool, beach, river, baths. Loves them all.

Some of this other favorite activities (no pictures to go with these, this project is really showing me where I'm lacking in the picture taking department. Or maybe I have an uploading-from-the-camera problem.)

-Emptying all the color pencils out of their holder which is next to the kids's desk. He does this at least 3x a day.
-Crawling up stairs. Gosh, he loves this. I think part of his love of stair climbing is the feeling of joy from  having command of his body and also his motto of....
-"I  want to go where I'm not." I other words, if he is in the dining room he wants to go downstairs. If he is inside he wants to go outside. So if I take him outside he climbs up the porch to go back inside. If funny though, when I put him on the grass in the front yard he always crawls to the driving way and crawls on the cement. But if I take him to the grass island, he will simply sit and looks around. I suppose he doesn't like crawing on the grass too much.

He also spends a lot of time at the top of the steps, confined by gate, staring down at the living room watching Garrett and his friends playing. He is a threshold baby. 

The excitement in this picture is the big machine outside eating up the street in preparations for paving the road.

 

 

 

He also loves playing with the Leap Frog ABC magnate thingy on the refridge. He likes to make the magnets fall out of the airplane. He thinks it is so funny! He tries to put the magnets back into the airplane-he knows they go in there- but naturally he doesn't have he hand coordination to do it yet. 

On account of the time, I'm going to bed. I have more to write but this is good for now.

Giving Myself Permission....

This afternoon I took the boys out to a local favorite nature spot. We meet several friends there. Good friends. Friends who  have been such a huge support to me since Garrett was less then six months old. Friends who I don't see as often as I should these days.

As the children ran around like crazed maniacs, reminding me of Lord of the Flies, we mothers chatted. All morning I had looked forward to this chance to talk to my friends. In essence- pouring half my guts out to them about all my current parenting woes, set backs, frustrations and insecurities. (The children did calm down into more focused playing in the river and I did calm down and made sure others had enough time to chat about their struggles.)  It was a good, very needed visit with these wonderful friends. And I can say it was productive. It wasn't just a gripe session. And, a least tonight, I feel calmer. A bit more OK with my world and not quit desperately feeling so weak, frustrated, like things will never improve.

Tonight I give myself permission to:

• Acknowledge my feelings. Aceept them for what they are: information about me. Information about the condition of my everything. (I say everything about I can't define myself in a nutshell by saying my spirit, emotions, physical, and social self.)
• To accept my feelings with out judging myself or putting myself down, with out the negative self defeating self-talk. In other words, I give permission to love myself without strings attached.
• Hope for a brighter future, a better day. 
• Have patience and love for myself as well as with my family. 
• To celebrate small achievements and improvements, no matters how small they might appear.  

(I did eventually end up in the river and took Tristan in. It was so cute, I took his diaper off and snapped his jumper up. But his jumper is getting too small. He was playing in the water and- sure enough half his buttons had popped open and his little penis was hanging out. It was so funny. He didn't seem to mind.) 

End of Part 1.

Part 2:

On Monday we started homeschooling for the year. Garrett is considered to be in 1st grade. I feel like this year is a our first "real" year homeschooling because we were very unstructured last year, for the most part. I decided yesterday it would be a good idea to write down why I decided to homeschool. I think it will be especially helpful for rough days. So I am going to attempt to write this in a nutshell.

Brian and I come from very different educational backgrounds and experiences. Polar opposites really. And our experiences are really the springboard for the reason we ever even considered homeschooling. I was a very late bloomer academically. I started Kindergarten when I was 6 due to my birthday being Sept 19th. But I really struggled in school. I repeated 1st grade. If you do the math, you will figure that I got my driving license as a freshman in high school! At some point (I want to say around 2nd grade) I was put in "LD" classes (learning disability classes) for just about every subject except math and social studies. (Which is really funny because math is not my strong suite.) I actually remember the testing I went through in order to be placed into this class. And I remember a horrible conversation on the playground when some girl pointed out she had the test done too but it was to be put into gifted classes, and I had to to be put in the LD classes.

I really struggled learning how to read. I don't know that I really cared to learn to read for a while. Well I suppose the desire was there but not enough to struggle through with it. I had a very vivid imagination. I remember one day "reading" a book (looking at the pictures and making up my own story) and my grandma asked "why don't you try to actually read it?" Umm..no. I loved stories though. I remember sitting around during reading time. My books where so boring. I would sit there and instead of trying to read my books independently like I was suppose to, I would instead listen to the other students read out-load with the teacher from there much more exciting readers. When my step-mom, Leslie, entered the picture, I remember her reading The Secret Garden to me (and I know my mom read to me a lot too.) That was lovely- I really liked that story. I remember the Boxcar Children series was really popular back then. I wanted to read them so badly but my reading skills were not good enough. I remember getting sick with the shingle and having to stay home for a whole week, by myself while my parents worked. I picked up the book The Little House in the Prairie (or maybe it was the Big Woods one) and I slowly made my way through it. I think that was a turning point in me- a realization that I really did want to learn how to read better because then this whole world of books would be open to me, with out having to rely on others. So the motivation was there. I was only in that LD class for about 1.5 years (it was great learning style for me too- a lot of independent work which I rocked at, still did when I went to vo-tech in high school to escape high school.) For all my struggle, in 9th grade I was placed in honors English. In college I was also in honors English. I caught up mostly. But I did have holes in my education (mainly from moving a lot. Also from not picking up on concepts fast enough before the class went on to the next subject. This is one of the reasons I really stink at math and am very insecure in math.)

I was a good student. Very willing to please and to learn. But I was a late bloomer for sure. Part of it I think was my personality. I was very shy and introverted as a kid (except with my one best friend.) I was also severely made fun of by other children (this started to go away at about 6th grade but finally stopped at 7th grade. Do the math, don't forget about 2 yrs in 1st grade- that is a lot of time to suffer through being made fun of.) My family life wasn't always very stable either, (I think my parents separated right about the time I entered K) so I know that had some factor in it all too. Even though I was  a good student later in my childhood, I did go to vo-tech starting in the 10th grade to study child development. A huge factor in this choice was to make high school a bit more bearable. But to be honest, I dropped out of high school at the end of the 1st semester in 11th grade. Yup, I'm a high school drop out. But I got my GED in the state of Maryland and I have an actual Maryland High School Diploma.) So....Umm...I think I should have been homeschool. ;) 

Well, my dearest husband had the exact opposite experience. He was always gifted. He was a very smart kid. And is still a very smart adult. He is one of those people that really doesn't have much of an educational weakness. Great at math. Great at writing. He was an early reader. He was reading things like Steven King at a really young age. So young that the librarian at the local library thought he was checking out inappropriate books to read. At some point, he was bused every day to another school in order to attend a class for gifted students. He reports he really liked it. He was challenged and not bored. But things changed. The family moved in order to give his brother a new start in school because his brother was getting in trouble school. His parents though turning over a new leaf would help. Unfortunately, with the move Brian could no longer go to this class for gifted students. He ended up in normal class and was very bored. In fact, he was helping to tutor the other kids. His educational needs were not meet. He did find an outlet for himself, in his own personal time. Computers. In high school his grades were poor. I guess he was just bored and at that point didn't care. He also was struggling with some health issues. He would fall asleep in class. Once when he had fallen asleep in computer class the teacher had had all the students gather around in a circle around him. He woke up and they were all staring at him. (Turns out, he has narcolepsy. And of coarse he fell asleep in computer class. He is a computer guru and has been since he was very, very young.)  

So it is from these two very different backgrounds we come from. Why I want to homeschool? To meet my child's needs, whether those needs are average, slower then average, or gifted. To let my child learn and grown in his own time frame. To be able to linger on a subject that interests him. To be able to linger on a subject he might need extra time to absorb. Or to speed past a subject that he doesn't really care about (although I do think something we have to learn even if we don't really care to learn them!). Basically, to meet his needs. I also want to teach my child to love learning. To teach him how to learn. That learning is never over. Our whole life is one big learning experience. Learning does not stop when the bell brings and we go home on the bus. (oh, or after we finally do our homework.)

I also feel that current public school philosophy pushes too much too fast for our children. The schools are requiring more and more of our young students. Is it really working? I don't think so. I would much rather let the kid play in the mud and be a kid. Academics come soon enough.

I also feel the most natural environment for a child to learn in, is in a place he feels at home. By his mothers knees. Who loves these children the most? Who knows them the best? Mother and Father!

Also, I think there are so many interesting ways to learn. So many different styles of learning. Some many philosophies on education (maybe too many good options!) I want to have options! Why limit a child to one style; public school style? Why limit a child to 4 walls? We are each so unique and individual. What may be good for 20 pupils in a class room probably is not good for at least 1 of them!

Those are my main motivations for wanting to homeschool. There are some other perks, other goals. But its getting late and this is long so I won't write about them.


Tonight I give myself permission to:

• Enjoy the homeschooling ride with my child. Relax and enjoy!
• To have fun
• To let my child grow at his own pace. (To not compare him to others. To not freak out if he is  "behind" his public school counterparts.)
• Not follow the schedule I think I should follow. To take all the time Garrett might need. 
• Be the authority on my child and his educational needs. I know him best.
• Take the pressure off. Its not my job to teach him everything.
• Grow and adapt to my needs and the needs of my children and family
  

Tristan's Birth Story Posted & Rock Star Husband

I wrote Tristan's birth story and a testimonial for one of my midwives. Check it out! When I was under her care she was finishing up her midwifery apprenticeship and she is now a full fledged midwife. She is awesome and is sure to provide wonderful care to many mommies and babies in the year to come. So, if anyone is looking for a homebirth midwife in the MD\DE\NJ\PA be sure to check her out!

Also, the hubby was on a podcast a few weeks ago. He talked a bit about his book and general talk about cyber security, talk about upcoming conferences, and some current issues in his field.. (So my readers of this site probably won't be interested in listening to this really!)

And his signature is on this interesting item up for bid on Ebay (as a fundraiser.)

I keep teasing him he will be on Fox News soon and he says absolutely not. (And really, he is just very humble. I do like to tease him though.)

Oh the Agony!

Lots of stuff going on lately that I could blog about. Lots of passions within me wanting to be voiced on my blog. Lots of 9 month old boy cuteness going on which would be a fun blog post. Well, I don't seem to get around to it very often. It is what it is. I refuse to stress about it.

But here is what I will blog, right now at midnight when I should be in bed. Its agony. I"m the type of girl who, in general, is pretty laid back, but also not. I deal with a fair amount of anxiety, which seems to be getting worse with age. I like to have a general idea of what is in store for my future. I like plans. I have always felt like I don't do very well with adjustments. So I need time. So its just agony not knowing what the future has in store.

Brian and I are seriously considering moving to Columbia (the city, not country.) Fixing up our house (eekk!), packing all our junk away, putting the house on the market, saying a prayer, and crossing our fingers. Searching for a new house, probably increasing the mortgage by way too much (we bought our house 6 years ago and paid under 200k for it so the mortgage is currently pretty darn comfortable.) New town. New friends. New atmosphere.

Why? Because hubby is burned out, bad. (As in, he even had this heart checked out by a cardiologist because of chest pain. The diagnosis- the heart is fine, its the stress that is a problem.) Getting rid of the commute would be one form of stress relief. He has been doing this commute for 7 years. It is getting old. Plus, his job is probably moving their building just a little bit further away. Longer commute. Also, a new job might be in the works. Being closer to Columbia gives him the most job opportunities. Its just a fact that is where the general area where the jobs are for his line of work. The housing market is still doing pretty terrible down there right now but the market up here is doing a bit better. So it would be a good time to move that way while the prices are low (7 years ago we could not afford a house down there! It was a very expensive housing market back then.)

Upsides? I can get a bigger house, finally! Brian will be home more and less stressed, so a happier family. There are a lot of social groups in that area that will work for me (like more homeschool groups and activities.)  Lots of awesome restaurants in the area.

Downsides? Its a busy area. I think this is my #1 long term worry. I love the area we live at now. I love my neighborhood and how there is some character and space to it (can we say "Cookie Cutter Communities" down in Columbia??) I hate rocking the boat financially, I just don't do that very well. And getting our house ready to sell- oh my what work! We have many things which would need fixing up. (Because its easy to live with something when its your house but others have higher expectations.) And painting. I really dread that. My friends...I will really miss them. Sure, we can come visit, but I wonder how long that will last? My family... my parents won't be so close. That will be a downside for me and the kids! And I really just dread fixing up our house and painting (I think I mentioned that.) And we will be moving away from the country- not that we really live in the country. But the country is not that far away here. Its not that hard to find a bit of nature to play in.

So...who knows? Its a viable option we have to really consider. If we go for it I"m not sure how fast or slow we will be. I guess only time will tell.

2 Minute Sex Education Primer For Parents of Young Children

"Lets wash your head. Now behind your ears! Oh look at these feet! That is your penis. That is your scrotum. Inside of it are two little balls called testicles!" (A simple every day conversation in an every day situation- giving your kid a bath.)

Lets practice saying these words. Maybe if you practice enough you won't blush every time you give your child the appripriate label for his or her body parts:

buttock
anus
penis
scrotum
testicles
breasts
nipple
vulva (yes, lets not mislabel this and call it a vagina, its not the same thing.)
vagina
clitoris

What better way to get over your own awkwardness and fear of saying these words then in saying them to your young child, in every day life opportunities. 

"Look- that lady is going to have a baby! Her baby is growing in a special place called her uterus. You would think its growing in her stomach, but its not!"

"Mom- what is that lady doing to that baby?" "She is breastfeeding. She is feeding milk from her breasts to her baby. You know how some moms feed milk in a bottle to their babies? That mom is feeding her milk to her baby."

There. Is that really so hard?

Practice that. Then take it a step forward when ready child is ready:
-explain that the testicles make things called sperm
-explain that the baby will have to go through something kind of like a door called a cervix to get out of the uterus and through the mom's vagina into the world.
-etc, etc,

Do you want to be able to educate your child when he\she is about to hit puberty about the changes that are coming? Do you want to educate your children about sex? Your daughter about her looming menstrual cycle and fertility? Or would you rather the public school teach him? Or her friends teach her? How will you be able to talk to your sons and your daughters about sex, pregnancies, periods, breasts, pubic hair, etc, if you can't even label and name body parts when he or she is a toddler or preschooler? When you can't even explain normal, human body functions when they are in kindergarten?

It really is not that hard to start. Start now, when your kids are young, instead of starting when the stakes are higher, and the questions more challenging.

(Now if anyone has a good way for me to explain the pornography store located right next to our local post office, please share because I know that question is coming soon.)