Two Anecdotes about Garrett

Taken at the NJ Aquarium last month. I really need to upload pictures off my cameras!

Garrett has officially turned 6 and half years old. He is getting big but yet is still very young is a lot of ways. Parenting gets harder and harder it seems. Why do I think this? Because the child becomes more complex, his world is more complex, and so the problems and challenges are more complex. Garrett and I seem to go through rough patches, more frequently then I want to admit. Some moments I can be so angry or frustrated at him but then the next moment he is very cute and my heart melts. So before I forget any more of these stories, hereare two recent anecdotes about Garrett. (And forget I will as I had planned to write 3 but I can't remember the third one for the life of me.)





A Young Jean Piaget?

I was trying to do school work with Garrett. I was getting frustrated with his behavior. I can't remember exactly what he was doing this time but it typically involves a lot of movement, talking, playing with some toy, and generally not truely paying attention to school work. The following conversation ensued.

Me: Garrett, I'm going to send you to the zoo!
Garrett: What will they feed me?

Me: Hay and grass and fish

Garrett: They are going to feed me what the animals eat?
Me: Yes. I am going to send you to the zoo because you are acting like a wild animal!
Garrett: I'm not acting like an animal. I"m acting like a kid. Kids play!

ummm... Thank you young Jean Piaget for the reminder.  (Over the past several years I often quote "A Child's Work is Play" to Garrett when he wants to watch tv or play video games and I tell him to go play. I guess the message has sunk in. Lets hope he doesn't use it further to wiggle out of school work.)

I find it funny and interesting too that his first question was "what will they feed me."

 A Young Metalhead? 

For some reason we were sitting in the parking lot of our local grocery store eating Arby's Chocolate Turnovers (thank you Arby's for bringing 'em back!) and listening to music on the radio. The Metallica song "Seek and Destroy" came on. This is a heavy metal song and its really long- almost 7 minutes. Well Garrett put down his chocolate turnover and started rocking out to it on his air guitar. It had to be the most elaborate air guitar-ing I have ever seen him do. It was so funny and cute at the same time. And he did it for the whole dang song. After the song was over I explained to him that genre of rock music is called "Heavy Metal" and in the future if he wants to listen to that kind of music he should ask for "heavy metal rock." Then he proceded to observe that the radio station we were listening to is programmed channel #1 in our radio. Then, for over a week, every time we got in the car he would automatically say "Turn it to channel 1. I want the rock." So funny. Gotta love it. We butt heads over it though because I am a major channel surfer when it comes to music and my nerves can not always take heavy rock anymore.

Ever since this little episode I have noticed him really rocking out and dancing to music a lot. (He has always loved to dance and listen to musis. Often if we are having a rough day or just a blah day I will turn on the mp3 player and we dance. That gets him going.) When Aunt Heather, CJ, and Garrett were riding in the car together they pulled up to me all three of them were playing various imaginary instruments to the TSO, the drums, violin, and guitar, and they wouldn't come out of the car until the song was over. (TSO is the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, as a side note Brian and I saw them in concert twice- a very good show!) Garrett also has been saying lately, when he hears a song he rally likes, "Do you know who made that song?"  Who? "I did!" 

You should also get a peak at his awesome break-dancing abilities. Its very entertaining. (And I learned that the music he likes to dance to has a name\classification I never knew existed. Its classified to different beats per minute, like 160 BPM. So all the song in that genre can be easily mixed on a turn table, or something like that.)  ;) 

Don't worry. We listen to a lot of different music around here. Mostly because Brian finds it all and he is more culturally diversified them I am, although I am pretty diverse as well.   

ok... I remember another story to share. This one is a tad bit embarrassing for me.  I'm going to use fake names for the other people in this story.

A Young Arms Dealer?

 Garrett was sitting at the table one evening having a snack. He said "mom, I have 8 dollars!!" How do you have 8 dollars Garrett?? (You should know Garrett loves money, love spending money, and loves acquiring money.)  "Benny gave me 5 dollars and I had 3 in my account." Why did Benny give you $5 Garrett??? "He just gave it to me!"  No Garrett, he did not just give you 5 dollars. Ok, what did you guys trade? You know you aren't suppose to do that! (Garrett and Benny will trade toys often and buy toys from each other, something they have both been told not to do, especially since they have little understanding of value and the fact some things belong together.)  Garrett says "umm...I sold him a little parachute man."  Garrett, I don't believe Benny would buy that little toy you got from the dentist for $5. And even if he did, you are giving his money back and you will get your toy back. I think you are lying and I'm going to call his parents. (but I wait about 15 minutes and Garrett still isn't giving me more information.) 

So I called the parents who were at the shopping center getting ready to leave for a Thanksgiving trip. I tell the mom "Garrett has 5 or 8 dollars that Benny gave him for something. He tells me it was for a little man but I don't really doubt it and don't know the whole story." Let me ask Benny says the mom. It took a while for her to come back to the phone..."ohh, it was a fishing knife!"  Oh My Gosh! I knew exactly what knife this was. Its not a pocket knife, but an open, two sided knife storied in sleeve.The blade is several inches long "Umm...we will come back and drop it off!" said the mother. 

First of all, talk about being embarrassing . I very ungracefully said I was sorry this happened, and that I tell the two boys all the time not to trade\buy stuff from each other, and that I know the fishing knife was in Garrett's tackle box which was way up high in his closet where he can't reach it, so one of the bigger boys must have gotten it down. But luckily these neighbors and I are friends and both down to earth and they were not mad about it. Benny confirmed that he gave Garrett $5 and not $8 and the father brought the knife back. 

Now isn't in interesting that Garrett had the street smarts to try and lie about  what he sold to Benny, because he knew that he should not have given him a knife nor been playing with it at all. Yet he wasn't smart enough to just keep his mouth shut about having $8. It goes to show that when we are kids we think we are so smart and then don't understand how our parents always find things out  (and they say "a little birdie told me") but really we just can't think a thing through all the way.

The knife is a knife that was in his little fishing tackle box. Grandpa put the knife in there for when they went fishing together so they could cut lines and stuff. The day before Garrett had re-discovered his tackle box and brought it upstairs while I was in the bathroom or something and then proceeded to show me the knife. He wanted to pretend to fight with it. umm, no son, we don't do that with a real knife! But silly me put it in the closet, on the top shelf on top of a box. There was no way Garrett was going to get it again, but I wasn't thinking about all the bigger boys that come to our house. What Garrett finally admitted was that he told his friends "want to see a knife?" and told them to get the box down. And supposedly Benny liked it and offered to pay for it (but I never believe any of these boys 100%. It could have easily been Garrett who suggested the trade seeing how much he loves money right now.) 

So that is Garrett, a young arms dealer!! (And sadly this isn't the first time a knife escaped our house. Once I happened to go into Garrett's room and found an empty wooden box that held a gift set of a pocket knife, pliers, a small flash light, and other things like that. I immediately went outside and tracked the 4 boys down at another neighbors house and they each forked over an item. They said they were going to wittle or something like that. The items came from a box set that belonged to Brian and was usually in his computer room but we were moving some furniture around. A book case from that room ended up in Garrett's room and the box was in it, and thus they found it.

Not Just A Mother to Sons...

(note: the post says this was posted on the 16th but really its the 17th. )

Its that time of year again, when I celebrate and remember my little daughter who left our lives way too fast. Today marks 8 years that our Sierra Mae was born still and silent and very, very tiny. Eight years! When I think eight years, I think of how Sierra should be getting baptized in May. (She was suppose to be born around May 1st 2003.)  So much has changed since our first baby came to us for such a short time....

Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.

Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. The lives of all of us, of course, go through similar alterations and changes. The difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes.  President Monson

Back then... I was taking my last college class to finish my associates degree. It was statistics and I had a super nice (and cute!) math teacher. The final exam got snowed out and was rescheduled for the day we were going back to the specialist to check on Sierra and attempt another amnio on me. I asked Professor Lukie if I could take the test in the testing center the day before. So on Dec 15th I took the final. On Dec 16 I found out my baby had died. I was a graduate. I never did walk down the aisle because I was in grief but I do regret that now since I have never went to any graduation.

Back then.... I was working at the mall at the San Francisco Music Box Company. My boss and I were pregnant at the same time. She was a bit further along then me. Before I got pregnant I was always so busy with going to school full time, working part time, and having internships. But at the time I was pregnant with Sierra I was preparing to be a stay-at-home mom. I only had 1 school class and was just working part time until I would stop at some point during my pregnancy. I remember feeling bad that I couldn't work during the busy Christmas season because of my grief. And I remember how it was hard to go back to work, especially seeing so many pregnant women in the mall. And knowing your co-workers just don't know what to say or do around you.  

Back then... I was serving in the Young Women program in my ward as a Mia Maid advisor and also the camp director. I remember wondering out loud to my good friend Amber, who was in the presidency, if I could possibly do camp the following year with a young baby. (Shudder- now I would never even consider such a thing!) When Sierra died, I think it was a new experience for the YW leaders that I served with and they didn't know what to tell the girls. So they told them nothing. Finally it was pointed out that the YW needed to know before I came back to church and she told them. I remember a short time later baring my testimony to the YW, with lots of tears on my part. 

Back then... my dad was getting really sick. The day I gave birth to Sierra he had surgery. He was in Delaware. I was in Baltimore. Then a few months later, on what should have been Sierra's due date, I was at Brian's grandfather's funeral in Alabama. I gave my in-laws Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness pins to wear that day. When I got home I received a phone call that my dad was really sick and needed my help. It was a lot of trauma for a long time helping him. He was dying of liver failure due to Hepatitis C. It was rough. What a rough period of my life. But that is another story for another day. (He ended up not dying and getting a liver transplant while I was pregnant with Garrett.)

Back then... we decided to move to a new county. We wanted to get away from the city and we wanted to buy a house we could afford. We also wanted to be closer to Brian's family, especially considering we though we might have a child with special needs. We put our depoist down while I was pregnant with Sierra. We ended up moving into our new rental townhome in Bel Air about 3 months after Sierra's death. I remember helping unload the moving truck and seeing the expressions on the face of church members who were helping us when they pulled out a box that said Crib on it. They were concerned that I must be pregnant and I was helping to move heavy boxed. But I wasn't pregnant, not any more. Moving to a new place during this time was a bit hard. I was all alone. No school, no job, no baby. A soon to be sick father. And no one knew about my baby and how fragile I was right then. What was I and what role did I have to identify myself as? I spent a lot of time crying. Brian went to work. I was home alone. I spent a lot of time on the computer. It was  rough. And I felt so awkward. A married person. A mother but not a mother. Its hard to make friends and feel connected to anyone in a state like that.

Now it is 8 years later. Things are so different. I am in the thick of parenting. On any given month my days are spent homeschooling, cub scouting, helping breastfeeding moms, attending birth circles or potlucks for homebirthers, taking Garrett to speech, occupational therapy, playdates, co-op, field trips, serving in the church, vacuuming crumbs off the floor for the 10th time in a week, washing cloth diapers and too much laundry, soothing a teething baby, laughing at my cute little toddler saying "hi" to people in Target. I have two boys. I love my boys. I love being a mom to boys. My days are filled with being mom. Almost all my hobbies, passions, and interests are directly related to being a mom. And frankly, I have to thank my Father in Heaven for giving me Sierra to teach me, to help form me into who I am today. I know I am a better mom. A more conscious mom. Better educated (because I learned to ask questions and research) and I am more aware of what type of mom I want to be. I am so thankful for wonderful, low risk pregnancies. For healthy babies, with the correct amount of chromosomes! I am more compassionate to others. And hopefully my testimony is stronger for it all too. I learned a bit of the way God works. Of how He can put things and people in your path to help you along the way. Like a young woman's leader who I adored as a teen who shared with our little class way back when how her little twins died. She gave birth to them and held them in the palm of her hands. And how that YW leader, although now across the country, was still there to support me when I went through it...... I can thank the Lord that good things came out of sad things.   

So here I am. A mom to boys.

But I am a mom to a girl too. Its just different. This year is I find myself wondering, what would a baby girl B. look like? How would it be like to raise a girl? Now that I see how different Tristan and Garrett are in personality, I really wonder what would Sierra have been like? So what would motherhood look like with a little girl in my house?  I am sad because I think I will never have another girl (because supposedly we aren't having more babies.) I'll have to depend on daughter-in-laws to take that roll (I better start praying for awesome daughter-in-laws who love me and don't think of me in a dreadful way.)  

One of my saddest regrets (that I had no control over) is that I didn't get more time with Sierra. I would have loved to have carried her full term even though we knew she would die. I just wanted more time. And I would love to have been able to see what she really looked like, to see her hair, to be able to say "she looks like....", to be able to have at least 1 photo I felt comfortable sharing with others. To have been able to hold her in my arms and not just my hands. I still am sad that the Lord took her away so quickly. But it was His will and I can see too that my dad needed me when Sierra should have been born. And if Sierra was born in May, like my due date indicated, things would have been a lot different and rougher for my dad and me.

So I think this is the end of my post. Except I have decided to share a few things from the past. One is a poem I wrote called My Motherhood. I'm not a poet, so don't expect greatness, but it depicts what my Motherhood was like-a stark contrast to the realities of my current state of motherhood. (Sadly I don't have the exact date I wrote it. The computer says it was last modified Jan 2004 but that doesn't mean much to me.)

I'm also going to share some pictures. I don't have many pictures and many are poor quality- this was before we had a digital camera. I do  hesitate to share these because they are sad. I used to look at them all the time and not feel weird for sharing them. But they are incredibly sad looking to me now.  But I think its time to share them again. (And as a side note, I have never in 8 years watched the video we made when I was in the hospital giving birth to Sierra. But last week I took my videos to the camera shop to get them converted to DVDs. When I get them back I think I'm finally going to watch the video. )   Now for the poem and pictures...

My Motherhood.

I am a mother who… 

Loved and cherished you, my sweet child, no matter what disability of the body you had. I was willing to do anything to give you the best chance at life.

(I dreamed of helping you reach your fullest potential, no matter what that potential was)

I am a mother who…

Prayed to the Lord pleading to please let my child live. To grow up with me and Daddy. But then humbly prayed only for the Lord’s will and not mine to be done.

(Knowing that He has all power and knows so much more then my small mortal perspective can see or comprehend)

I am a mother who…

Had faith that the Lord really was in control and you are one of His special spirit children.

(For the Lord told me so. How then should I doubt?)

I am a mother who…

Had hope even when there appeared to be none.

(At times it was hard to find hope. But faith is dead without hope.)

I am a mother who…

Ensured that your small body was respected and cared for.

(For it was the temple of your spirit, if only for a short time. And will one day be made

 perfect and resurrected.)

I am a mother who…

Willingly shared you with your grandparents and aunt despite that our time was       so short together.

(For I could have never let you out of my arms, knowing that mommy and daughter time was already limited.)

And I’m a mother who…

thinks you are the cutest six inch baby to have ever been born. And perfect in every way.

(Despite what the doctors say.)

  

I am a mother who…

Chose to love even though it surely meant certain heartache.

(For what they say, “Better to love and have lost then to never loved at all,” is true.)

 And now that you are gone…

I am a mother who preserves your memory.

(I will never forget you Sierra Mae.)

And now that you are gone…

I ask Heavenly Father to bless you with strength and energy to fulfill your  heavenly mission.

(For I know your task must be hard.)

And in my prayers I remind you to “be good and remember I love you,” even though I know you already know!

 I love despite the pain. I miss you with all my heart .

(Only a mother can say that)

I am a mother.

I pray that we will be sustained until we meet again.     

These pictures are from our first ultrasound, where it was very obvious that she had a chromosomal problem.  The pictures of her hand and feet are special to me because these pictures were not originally given to me. When she was born the nurses tried to get a foot print for me but they were unable to. So I went back to the specialist and asked for the picture of her foot. The Dr. was so sweet and gave me a bunch more pictures to keep, these two included. If you notice in the first picture that outline around her head and body, that is bad stuff. Its fluid build up. 

 

This is me three weeks later waiting for the next ultrasound. This is when we found out she died. I sort of had suspicions. Yes, I am smiling. When bad things are happening I can't always be serious. That is my mother-in-law, Clara as well.

A few minutes later from the last picture. All curled up, already at peace

 (ok, do you see why ultrasounds are a bit anxiety producing for me? These were my first and only experiences with ultrasounds during pregnancy. And this is also why its a pet peeve of mine when people say "we are going to see the sex of our baby today!" Because really, you are going to see if your baby looks normal and healthy or abnormal and unhealthy.)  

 The night I was being induced. Below: My mom, mom-in-law, and sister-in-law. They eventually all went back to my house late at night. Sierra was born early on the 17th while Brian and I slept. My water broke and she was delivered right then. I was really drugged and had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I had to send her away until I could sleep off the medication.

Holding Sierra Mae

Holding Sierra Mae

Grandmas holding her. I don't know why this picture came out so terrible.

If you read this terribly long post... thank you for letting me share. When I share I feel I am keeping some of her memory alive.

4 Little Duckings

If you see me this weekend you will see not 2 but 4 little ducklings following me in a row. Ok, ok, they will probably be running around crazy since human children don't know to follow mother\aunt in an orderly fashion, and chances are at least 2 of them will be yielding some type of (toy) weapon. Brian is out of town for the weekend and Garrett and I are having 2 cousins spend the weekend with us. The kids have been dying to play together and this gives their mama a much needed break from 24\7 solo parenting (she still has the 1 yr old though, so not a complete break.)

Heather and the kids came in the afternoon. All we managed to do was go out for ice cream. But the kids played at the house and outside for a while too. I pushed both babies on the purple bike, with Tristan standing on the back. It was cute. The ice cream store Christopher's Train Garden sitting outside again. We went in there and it was really neat. The kids loved it. Its a memorial thing for a 15 yr old who died. We meet his mother and talked to her a for a bit. I need to take the boys back there again, it was fun. I put Sierra's name on the angle train and Heather put Chris Sr's name.

The kids have been good. A bit hyper as always but not too bad. I hate to admit it but Garrett really is the hyper one! We watched a really funny\silly movie called Shorts tonight while eating pizza. We also had a quick surprise visit from the missionaries. And the kids have just been playing really well all night. It took a while to get them all in bed. Ariel was ready at about 8 to go to bed but its hard to get one to bed while the others are up. She wanted to sleep on the couch. The boys wanted the air mattress in the living room. So when I finally got them all in their beds after baths, snacks, books, teeth, talking on phone with Heather, saying goodnight, I went to our bedroom to put Tristan down and Ariel came up twice (she just turned 4). Once to tell me the tree was sparkling and then to tell me she heard a noise. So I said "Do you want to sleep with me"? and she said yes. But it was funny because here the two boys come trailing in behind her. Garrett wanted to sleep with me because he was scared. I told them both to go back downstairs and I'd check on them when I was done putting baby to sleep and they could put 1 big light on. so that worked and they were all asleep by the time baby was asleep.  Ariel kept talking for a while though until I said "ok, go to sleep now!" The really cute thing is that I asked her today if she wanted to sleep in my bed and she was very sure of herself that she could sleep all by herself downstairs!

I'm going to take them to the Estuary center tomorrow morning. Then I am meeting Kim, Percy, and Kids  at the mall by temple for dinner and then the Christmas lights at the temple.

Spiritual Helps for Mothering

When you are feeling thin and worn out as a mother, do you have certain articles or scriptures that help you to catch your breath? That help you gain some perspective and to remember the big picture in parenting? Here are three of mine.

"Behold Your Little Ones" by President Gordon B. Hinkley
(I particularly love the story he mentions of Corneli 's Jewels, which is quoted from one of our school books this year. I love this book!)


"Happiness, Your Heritage" by President Uchtodorf
This one is not directly related to mothering but is directed to women in all circumstances. It is uplifting and speaks to "all who are weary" and lets face it, as moms we often are weary! I also really love the counsel to be creative. What unique advice. I have found following this counsel to be so true- to do something creative, even cutting out and laminating file folder games for our homeschool, can uplift my soul. I wonder if some of the magic in this is that as a mother and homemaker our job is never done. We do a job and the next day it needs to be done again. It feels especially good to do a project and see it truely "done!!" In a spiritual sense, taking part of creation is part of our divine natures, perhaps a drive we have. And that makes me think a lot about pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding and how powerful of an experience that can be for a women.  I also really like the counsel to serve others and through service we can find perspective, meaning, peace, and happiness in our lives.

"Daughters of God" by M Russel Ballard
When I first heard this talk in conference, I really needed to hear it! And I read it often. I still read it often. First of all, I love how he reminds us how important it is to be a mother and how our children need us. How our children are with us for such a short period of time and how we need to "focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life." However, he acknowledges how hard it can be to do in actuality and gives counsel on things we can do right now to help us in our journey.

These are my three right now. There is one more from a more recent General Conference I might add to the list soon, but I need to re-read it. I would love to hear some of your favorite spiritual resources for mothering!