Not Just A Mother to Sons...

(note: the post says this was posted on the 16th but really its the 17th. )

Its that time of year again, when I celebrate and remember my little daughter who left our lives way too fast. Today marks 8 years that our Sierra Mae was born still and silent and very, very tiny. Eight years! When I think eight years, I think of how Sierra should be getting baptized in May. (She was suppose to be born around May 1st 2003.)  So much has changed since our first baby came to us for such a short time....

Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.

Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. The lives of all of us, of course, go through similar alterations and changes. The difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes.  President Monson

Back then... I was taking my last college class to finish my associates degree. It was statistics and I had a super nice (and cute!) math teacher. The final exam got snowed out and was rescheduled for the day we were going back to the specialist to check on Sierra and attempt another amnio on me. I asked Professor Lukie if I could take the test in the testing center the day before. So on Dec 15th I took the final. On Dec 16 I found out my baby had died. I was a graduate. I never did walk down the aisle because I was in grief but I do regret that now since I have never went to any graduation.

Back then.... I was working at the mall at the San Francisco Music Box Company. My boss and I were pregnant at the same time. She was a bit further along then me. Before I got pregnant I was always so busy with going to school full time, working part time, and having internships. But at the time I was pregnant with Sierra I was preparing to be a stay-at-home mom. I only had 1 school class and was just working part time until I would stop at some point during my pregnancy. I remember feeling bad that I couldn't work during the busy Christmas season because of my grief. And I remember how it was hard to go back to work, especially seeing so many pregnant women in the mall. And knowing your co-workers just don't know what to say or do around you.  

Back then... I was serving in the Young Women program in my ward as a Mia Maid advisor and also the camp director. I remember wondering out loud to my good friend Amber, who was in the presidency, if I could possibly do camp the following year with a young baby. (Shudder- now I would never even consider such a thing!) When Sierra died, I think it was a new experience for the YW leaders that I served with and they didn't know what to tell the girls. So they told them nothing. Finally it was pointed out that the YW needed to know before I came back to church and she told them. I remember a short time later baring my testimony to the YW, with lots of tears on my part. 

Back then... my dad was getting really sick. The day I gave birth to Sierra he had surgery. He was in Delaware. I was in Baltimore. Then a few months later, on what should have been Sierra's due date, I was at Brian's grandfather's funeral in Alabama. I gave my in-laws Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness pins to wear that day. When I got home I received a phone call that my dad was really sick and needed my help. It was a lot of trauma for a long time helping him. He was dying of liver failure due to Hepatitis C. It was rough. What a rough period of my life. But that is another story for another day. (He ended up not dying and getting a liver transplant while I was pregnant with Garrett.)

Back then... we decided to move to a new county. We wanted to get away from the city and we wanted to buy a house we could afford. We also wanted to be closer to Brian's family, especially considering we though we might have a child with special needs. We put our depoist down while I was pregnant with Sierra. We ended up moving into our new rental townhome in Bel Air about 3 months after Sierra's death. I remember helping unload the moving truck and seeing the expressions on the face of church members who were helping us when they pulled out a box that said Crib on it. They were concerned that I must be pregnant and I was helping to move heavy boxed. But I wasn't pregnant, not any more. Moving to a new place during this time was a bit hard. I was all alone. No school, no job, no baby. A soon to be sick father. And no one knew about my baby and how fragile I was right then. What was I and what role did I have to identify myself as? I spent a lot of time crying. Brian went to work. I was home alone. I spent a lot of time on the computer. It was  rough. And I felt so awkward. A married person. A mother but not a mother. Its hard to make friends and feel connected to anyone in a state like that.

Now it is 8 years later. Things are so different. I am in the thick of parenting. On any given month my days are spent homeschooling, cub scouting, helping breastfeeding moms, attending birth circles or potlucks for homebirthers, taking Garrett to speech, occupational therapy, playdates, co-op, field trips, serving in the church, vacuuming crumbs off the floor for the 10th time in a week, washing cloth diapers and too much laundry, soothing a teething baby, laughing at my cute little toddler saying "hi" to people in Target. I have two boys. I love my boys. I love being a mom to boys. My days are filled with being mom. Almost all my hobbies, passions, and interests are directly related to being a mom. And frankly, I have to thank my Father in Heaven for giving me Sierra to teach me, to help form me into who I am today. I know I am a better mom. A more conscious mom. Better educated (because I learned to ask questions and research) and I am more aware of what type of mom I want to be. I am so thankful for wonderful, low risk pregnancies. For healthy babies, with the correct amount of chromosomes! I am more compassionate to others. And hopefully my testimony is stronger for it all too. I learned a bit of the way God works. Of how He can put things and people in your path to help you along the way. Like a young woman's leader who I adored as a teen who shared with our little class way back when how her little twins died. She gave birth to them and held them in the palm of her hands. And how that YW leader, although now across the country, was still there to support me when I went through it...... I can thank the Lord that good things came out of sad things.   

So here I am. A mom to boys.

But I am a mom to a girl too. Its just different. This year is I find myself wondering, what would a baby girl B. look like? How would it be like to raise a girl? Now that I see how different Tristan and Garrett are in personality, I really wonder what would Sierra have been like? So what would motherhood look like with a little girl in my house?  I am sad because I think I will never have another girl (because supposedly we aren't having more babies.) I'll have to depend on daughter-in-laws to take that roll (I better start praying for awesome daughter-in-laws who love me and don't think of me in a dreadful way.)  

One of my saddest regrets (that I had no control over) is that I didn't get more time with Sierra. I would have loved to have carried her full term even though we knew she would die. I just wanted more time. And I would love to have been able to see what she really looked like, to see her hair, to be able to say "she looks like....", to be able to have at least 1 photo I felt comfortable sharing with others. To have been able to hold her in my arms and not just my hands. I still am sad that the Lord took her away so quickly. But it was His will and I can see too that my dad needed me when Sierra should have been born. And if Sierra was born in May, like my due date indicated, things would have been a lot different and rougher for my dad and me.

So I think this is the end of my post. Except I have decided to share a few things from the past. One is a poem I wrote called My Motherhood. I'm not a poet, so don't expect greatness, but it depicts what my Motherhood was like-a stark contrast to the realities of my current state of motherhood. (Sadly I don't have the exact date I wrote it. The computer says it was last modified Jan 2004 but that doesn't mean much to me.)

I'm also going to share some pictures. I don't have many pictures and many are poor quality- this was before we had a digital camera. I do  hesitate to share these because they are sad. I used to look at them all the time and not feel weird for sharing them. But they are incredibly sad looking to me now.  But I think its time to share them again. (And as a side note, I have never in 8 years watched the video we made when I was in the hospital giving birth to Sierra. But last week I took my videos to the camera shop to get them converted to DVDs. When I get them back I think I'm finally going to watch the video. )   Now for the poem and pictures...

My Motherhood.

I am a mother who… 

Loved and cherished you, my sweet child, no matter what disability of the body you had. I was willing to do anything to give you the best chance at life.

(I dreamed of helping you reach your fullest potential, no matter what that potential was)

I am a mother who…

Prayed to the Lord pleading to please let my child live. To grow up with me and Daddy. But then humbly prayed only for the Lord’s will and not mine to be done.

(Knowing that He has all power and knows so much more then my small mortal perspective can see or comprehend)

I am a mother who…

Had faith that the Lord really was in control and you are one of His special spirit children.

(For the Lord told me so. How then should I doubt?)

I am a mother who…

Had hope even when there appeared to be none.

(At times it was hard to find hope. But faith is dead without hope.)

I am a mother who…

Ensured that your small body was respected and cared for.

(For it was the temple of your spirit, if only for a short time. And will one day be made

 perfect and resurrected.)

I am a mother who…

Willingly shared you with your grandparents and aunt despite that our time was       so short together.

(For I could have never let you out of my arms, knowing that mommy and daughter time was already limited.)

And I’m a mother who…

thinks you are the cutest six inch baby to have ever been born. And perfect in every way.

(Despite what the doctors say.)

  

I am a mother who…

Chose to love even though it surely meant certain heartache.

(For what they say, “Better to love and have lost then to never loved at all,” is true.)

 And now that you are gone…

I am a mother who preserves your memory.

(I will never forget you Sierra Mae.)

And now that you are gone…

I ask Heavenly Father to bless you with strength and energy to fulfill your  heavenly mission.

(For I know your task must be hard.)

And in my prayers I remind you to “be good and remember I love you,” even though I know you already know!

 I love despite the pain. I miss you with all my heart .

(Only a mother can say that)

I am a mother.

I pray that we will be sustained until we meet again.     

These pictures are from our first ultrasound, where it was very obvious that she had a chromosomal problem.  The pictures of her hand and feet are special to me because these pictures were not originally given to me. When she was born the nurses tried to get a foot print for me but they were unable to. So I went back to the specialist and asked for the picture of her foot. The Dr. was so sweet and gave me a bunch more pictures to keep, these two included. If you notice in the first picture that outline around her head and body, that is bad stuff. Its fluid build up. 

 

This is me three weeks later waiting for the next ultrasound. This is when we found out she died. I sort of had suspicions. Yes, I am smiling. When bad things are happening I can't always be serious. That is my mother-in-law, Clara as well.

A few minutes later from the last picture. All curled up, already at peace

 (ok, do you see why ultrasounds are a bit anxiety producing for me? These were my first and only experiences with ultrasounds during pregnancy. And this is also why its a pet peeve of mine when people say "we are going to see the sex of our baby today!" Because really, you are going to see if your baby looks normal and healthy or abnormal and unhealthy.)  

 The night I was being induced. Below: My mom, mom-in-law, and sister-in-law. They eventually all went back to my house late at night. Sierra was born early on the 17th while Brian and I slept. My water broke and she was delivered right then. I was really drugged and had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I had to send her away until I could sleep off the medication.

Holding Sierra Mae

Holding Sierra Mae

Grandmas holding her. I don't know why this picture came out so terrible.

If you read this terribly long post... thank you for letting me share. When I share I feel I am keeping some of her memory alive.