On Education. A Quote.

After being slightly aware of what a "Charlotte Mason educational" is for the past 2 years, I have finally jumped into reading and learning more about this educator and her appraoch. Two of my friends are owed credit for being patient with me in answering my questions until I got to the point of actually digging into some material on-line and in books. Looks like I"ll be doing a lot of reading for a while!

Its interesting to note how at differant points in my life I'm not ready to face something but when I come back to the topic later it totally clicks. For example, the book which I'll be quoting here, I started reading it well over a year ago and just coudn't get "into it" and wasn't getting much from it. But now much later, after reading some lighter, watered down outlines to get the "big picture, " this books is really interesting and is talk to me.

Here is a short passage that spoke to me recently. Its taken from For The Children's Sake. Foundations of Education for Home and Family by Susan Schaffer Macaulay, page 8. I won't give a commontary of why I like it so much. I'll just put it out there.

"When a baby is picked up, spoken to, and loved, he is starting his education as God planned. For all our lives we are human beings, in an active state of learning, responding, understanding. Education extends to all of life. In fact, an educational system that says, one bright summer's day in the dawn of my youth, "There. Now you are educated. This piece of paper says so," is doing me a gross disfavor. The truly educated person has only had many doors of interest opened. He knows that life will not be long enough to follow everything through fully."

7 Years Ago Today....(post 1 of 2)

Today marks 7 years since my little girl, Sierra Mae, was born silently into this world. Each year I'm amazed that it was so long ago that I was pregnant with her. Today I find myself wondering what it will be like to one day say "its been 15 yrs...20 yrs..."

As always, I have found the days and weeks leading up to this anniversary date more emotional then the actual day. It always seems to happen to me this way. This does leave her birthday a pretty peace day (except this is always a hectic time of year and I'm always feeling like I don't have enough time to truely stop and to honor her memory.) This year I've really felt the need to revisit and remember the events around her life more then I have the past few years. I think this is due to the fact that I had another pregnancy, another birth, and a new child enter into my life this year. I also have many friends who have lost babies at various stages of pregnancy this year. My heartaches for them and when I hear of their loss I am always reminded of my Sierra, my loss and my own heartache. I think this re-visitation of my own experiences and my own grief must be another step in the healing process. Its a moment to take stock of what I've gone through and to further assimilate the experience into my life...to understand who I am and how I came to be.

My Sierra was my first child. I had wanted her so badly. We were so excited to be parents and Brian just knew we were having a girl. My pregnancy, although too short, was wonderful. I really had such a good pregnancy...except the actual outcome! She had a chromosomal problem called Trisomy 18 that effected her body so badly that she wasn't growing properly at all, possibly had major defects in her heart, and her body was unable to handle normal fluids which caused edema, especially around her head\neck and around her heart. It was the fluid build up that caused her actual death.

We learned at 17 weeks that she was "sick" with a chromosomal problem but at that time the doctors were not sure which one. Their educated guess was Turners Syndrome or Trisomy 18. Three short weeks later she died. I was very fortunate to have those three weeks, although they were weeks full of anxiety, uncertainty, feeling hopeful and then feeling realistic, then to feel guilty for not having hope... (and on and on). Those 3 weeks gave me time to connect with my child and very importantly, I was able to research and talk to other mothers who had gone through high risk pregnancies. I learned that if my baby died anytime soon I could give birth to her. This knowledge ended up being such a blessing because my OB was not very sensitive to us or our feelings and tried to strong arm me into going to a different hospital to have a Dilation and Evacuation performed. But instead, I stuck to my guns (with the help of a wonderful specialist who supported us) and I was able to give birth to my little daughter.

She was tiny for her gestational age- only 6 inches long- and it was evident that her body was effected greatly by that extra chromosome. But at the same time, she was perfect. Tiny but perfect arms, legs, 10 tiny toes and 10 fingers. Tiny eyes and mouth. I"m so thankful for the chance I had to hold her and I know one day her body will be healed and will grow and she will be beautiful.

I had so wanted to carry her to term even though I knew she would die no matter what. (Trisomy 18 is considered "incompatible with life." Many babies with T18 are miscarried or stillborn.but some babies do bless us for a time with their presence on earth for a time. Sadly though, of those babies who are born alive, only about 10% live to see their 1st birthday. ) To this day I still would have chosen to carry her to term even if she would never have taken a breath. I wanted as much time with her as possible. I'd give so much to have felt her kick and move, to be able to talk to her through out my pregnancy, and then to have held her being much bigger and to really know what she looked like, to have pictures I could share with others and display in my home, and to have a proper place to go visit her. Alas, I'm thankful for the time I did have and I"m thankful I did get to hold her and take pictures of her. Instead of having her pictures displayed in our home we have a quilt made with love and tears by her maternal grandmother. I have other trinkets around our house that remind me of Sierra. Instead of having a grave to visit we have a memorial garden to visit created by loving and sensitive employees of Harbor Hospital.

Sierra Mae was- and still is- very real to me. I have felt her spirit and know she is a very sweet little girl. One day we will have her present with us again.

Please visit www.trisomy18.org to learn more about Trisomy 18 (the second most common chromosomal defect), and to read of about some amazing little children. Also, visit www.missfoundation.org for general info and support on pregnancy and infant loss.

(pictures in this post are taken at Harbor Hospital's memory angle garden. I'm very thankful for the hospital creating this garden and for the memorial services they have for their angle babies born at the hospital. I don't visit often but am so happy to have some place to go in her memory. Today I tied ribbons on the tree in memory of Sierra and all of the children my friend's have lost this year. I was going to do ornaments but didn't have time to make them so decided ribbons would look lovely too.) 

Raising Weeds or Boys?

Oh these boys grow up too fast! It makes me wonder if I'm raising weeds or chlidren?

Tristan is about 2 months now and I"m not sure how its possible for time to go by so quickly. He is starting to smile a lot more now and is really starting to "talk." My parents noticed at Thanksgiving he would try to follow my voice with his eyes. This past week we noticed Tristan attempting to following Garrett's movements with his eyes and head while Garrett ran around the kitchen table. Garrett though this was fun and started to run really fast so that Tristan couldn't keep up.

Then a few days ago I was so surprised to see some amazing head control on Tristan when I put him on the floor. I again saw this today when I was laying on the roller table at the chiropractor's office with Tristan laying on my chest. He was holding himself up, looking directly at me and then started to "talk" to me.

And lots not forget to mention that he is simply huge. Where has my little newborn gone?

He still is pretty colicky but it could be worse. It comes and goes which is a lot better then what Garrett had. He has lots of gas and its funny to watch him work all that gas our every morning. I usally lay him on the changing station and he moves and stretches while enjoying diaper free time. He is typically very happy and smily in the morning. I call this "my morning smiles."

(picture: he is so chubby!)

Garrett... he is also growing like a weed. I think he went through a growth spurt because he looks so tall all of a sudden. Or perhaps he just looks big because the baby is so small? He continues to be a great big brother even though his demands to hold his little brother sometimes are at the worse times. (Like when Tristan is crying!)

 (picture: Would you hire this babysitter again??)

Its amazing to me how Garrett has slowly been blossoming too. Ever the shy kid outside of the home, friends and family members have mentioned to me that he is opening up and talking more to them. I see this in him too. I'm amazed at his wonderful memory. He can navigate through video game menues like a pro even though he can't read. (And he also can figuare out many games all on his own. Its scary to see how he is way better at video games then I ever have been.) And today he beat me several times at the game Memory. This kid is good! I did not let him win but he won fair and square! (Sadly Garrett's love for video games has gotten out of control during this period of adjustment in our family so I've had to put a huge restriction on the tv\games during the day. This has been rough for me and my very persistan Garrett. I will say that what seems an annoying and bothersome trait for me to deal with- (Garrett being a very persistant, a quietly strong willed kid)- will one day be a strength for him in life. And an exericise in overcoming my permissiveness for me! (At least this is what I keep telling myself!)


He is slowly getting into Legos but I still can't trust him with a too many because he still tends to get crazy and throw them around. Once he is a bit more responsible with them I"ll bring the lego tables out of storage and some more of the legos. (Brian bought garbage bags full of legos from a co-worker.)

Garrett has lots of energy and I feel like this winter is going to be a long one! I already miss the fact that during the summer and fall he would spent several hours outside playing with his friends. But I'm doing my best to get us outside everyday. I put the baby in the wrap and he plays in the backyard. Today we played tennis on the sidewalk. Brian and I have also discussed enrolling Garrett in martial arts. We found a place 1 mile away from our house and will give Garrett a 3 week trial run soon.

Birth Conversation with Garrett

Garrett was in the bathtub and I was trying to wash his hair. He told me to close my eyes and he was going to surprise me by putting his head under the water. He was just trying to trick me though. He has never put his head under the water that I know of. The conversation that followed went something like this.

(Picture of Garrett right after birth.)

Me: Are you trying to work up the courage to put your head under the water?
Garrett: I'm scared too.
Me: You have never tried it.
Garrett: Once I did, when I came out of your uturus* I was born into the water.
Me: No you were not Garrett. You were born in a bed in the hospital.
Garrett: No I wasn't, I was born in the water.
Me: No you were not. You were born in the hospital on a bed, not at home.
Garrett: Why
Me: Because I didn't know I could have you at home. Then I learned I could give birth at home so I had Tristan at home.
Garrett: Oh. So when you brought me home daddy saw me and wanted to name me Garrett?
Me: Actually, dad was there with me when you were born. And we named you Garrett before you were born. We had an ultrasound and knew you were a boy and named you Garrett.
Garrett: Oh.

(Garrett the day we brought him home from the hospital.)

(Background for those who don't know. Garrett's little brother was born almost 2 mo ago at home in a birthing tub. We didn't know he was a boy until he was born (well actually daddy knew but no one else did) and we did not decide on his name until at least an hour after his birth.)

* We do our best to use proper names when talking to Garrett about body parts (athough he is also familiar with common slang names for body parts.) In the months leading up to Tristan's birth we talked bout the birthing process, watched some videos, read books, and Garrett went to every prenatal visit with me. He was also there at Tristan's birth (holding the phone with the midwife on speaker phone) and he also cut Tristan's cord.

What to do?

Today my mom came over to help me with house projects. She is a wonderful help like that. The project of the day was organizing clothes. This is something I hate! Oh I think it would be wonderful to live in a simpler time when people had just a few clothing items. I had to work on putting all my maternity clothes away and getting out all my regular clothes but had to weed out all the items that are not breastfeeding friendly. I had to put those good items in storage until my little on weans. My mom worked on sorting\ storing the clothes Garrett has out grown to save for Tristan and organizing all the hand me downs that are still too big for Garrett. And I still have baby clothes to go through! Tristan is already out growing many of his 0-3 months clothes and soon I need to get out the 3-6 mo clothes.

(picture is of Garrett. I was trying to find pictures of the boys in the same outfit but could not find one.)

Which leaves me to a big question. Now what to do with the baby clothes? Brian feels strongly that he doesn't want any more chldren. I would like at least one more. I am not ready for this chapter of my life to be closed already! So to keep the clothes or get rid of them?

I keep thinking: we might never have any more kids. Or maybe in another 5 yrs Brian will be ready for another one (after all, he was happy with Garrett being an only child for a long time!)  To keep or not to keep? On one hand it sounds so appealing to simply get rid of the clothes after Tristan outgrows them, after all- I hate clothes management! Maybe my hand-me- downs could bless someones life? But the thought of having to acquire new clothes if we do end up having another child is not fun. But what if we have a girl anyway? Or its another 5+ years until it happens. Do I want to store boxes of clothes for so long? Or what if I get rid of the clothes and free up all that storage space- only to decide (or unexpectedly?) get pregnant again?  (picture of Garrett again wearing a gown I've dressed Tristan in a lot too.)

Who knows? At least childrens' clothing is pretty easy to re-aquire since there are a lot of hand me downs floating around in the world. I do know one thing: I'm not planning on giving away my maternity clothes or the out grown cloth diapers any time soon!

(Tristan)

A Busy Weekend

We had a busy, good weekend but by Sunday night I was tired! Here are a few highlights from our busy weekend.

On Saturday the boys and I drove to NJ for cousin Ariel's birthday party. She just turned 3. We also celebrated Chris Jr's birthday because they were unable to have a party for him when he turned 5 back in Sept. 

It was a cold and breezy party at Fort Mott. Garrett had a great time seeing all the cousins, grandma\grandpa, and aunts and uncles. After cake and presents we went for an "Adventure" with some of the cousins around Fort Mott, which happens to be where Brian proposed to me. I had not been there for a long time and they now have many of the rooms closed off but its still a neat place to explore. Once the party was over I went to Heather's house for the evening where we chatted the best we could over loud, crazy children until I left around 7:30pm. I'm not sure what a normal conversation will be like once all our kids are off to school or work in 20 some years. It will probably sound too silent. 

The birthday girl.

Garrett and Chris are best little buds and love to play with each other. Here they are sporting matching shot guns.

Another highlight of our weekend was the fact that I managed to go to church for the first time since Tristan's birth. It went alright. I was a whole hour late. Garrett really doesn't like going to church (but is always happy after Primary) so he was really fighting me getting ready. Once we got there he didn't want to go into Sharing Time but luckily his teacher knows him pretty well and knows a good candy bribe works. Tristan slept most of the time until after we took the sacrament at which point he woke up ready to eat. So we 3 headed off to the mother's room to nurse in comfort. Except Garrett just felt the mother's lounge is one great playground.

(This is a picture Garrett insisted I take even though poor Tristan is very upset.)

He drove me crazy the whole time jumping and boucing around and washing his hands so he had an excuse to use the automatica paper towel dispenser. Then Tristan had a good screaming\crying fit because he got too much milk too fast and was uncomfortable. I'm sure we sounded a mess to the people in the bathroom with all the noise we were making between Garrett's bouncing on everything, Tristan crying, and me telling Garrett (unsuccessfully) to STOP AND CALM DOWN. But I eventually got Tristan calm and in the sling just in time to pack up and go home! 

(Garrett was playing with my camera too!)
Other highlights from the weekend: Friday Garrett went to the eye doctor. He needs to wear his glasses more! My mom took him to the movie and Brian, baby and I went to Marley's birthday celebration at PF Changs and walked the mall a bit to pass a fussy period with Tristan. On Sunday evening we went to an open house to celebrate a friend's happy adoption of their little girl. And finally, late Sunday night I spent an hour picking up our very messy house while everyone else was asleep because it truely was trashed! And I was reminded again that I should never really stay up after everyone else is asleep to clean the house becuase that is always when I feel  overwhelmed with life!

A Pleasant Ritual

One day I was agonizing on the phone with my good friend and sister-in-law, Heather, that I really wanted to take my morning shower but a fussy baby was preventing me. She suggested I do as she has done with all three of her kids. Have the baby take a shower with me! I had known she does this and knew of the idea but just never did it with Garrett. She gave me some tips on how to go about it and the next day I gave it a try.

It has proved to be a nice, relaxing experience for Tristan and me. Best of all its a good guarantee that I'll get my morning shower and that Tristan gets cleaned. (I find it hard to find time to give him a baby bath!) The first time I took Tristan into the shower he was fussing all morning. I decided to put him into the shower with me first and then crossed my fingers hoping once I put him down he would be calm enough to allow me to finish my shower. I got all the supplies ready and made sure the water was really warm but not scalding. We went into the shower and I braced myself for the initial flaring of the arms the baby would do when the water first him, something Heather warned me would probably happen. He did give a little jump with that first exposure to the water but then he relaxed, molded into my chest and was peaceful and content as I let the water run over him and as I cleaned him with foaming baby shampoo. I suspect that to Tristan, being on my skin with warm water surrounding us reminded him of when he was born. He was born in the water and immediately put on my chest where we stayed for a long time before getting out of the birth tub.

When I was done giving Tristan his shower I put him in his baby seat, covered him up with another towel and a robe for added warmth and continued to take my shower. I didn't hear a peep out of him. He was so calm and relaxed that I thought he fell asleep. He had not. He was just very relaxed in a quiet alert state.

Sometimes I bring Tristan in the shower right away if he is fussy and he will then be calm long enough for me to finish my shower and get at least mostly dressed. At that point I will spend some time gently rubbing lotion on his skin, then diaper and dress him. By then he is usually ready to nurse and hopefully fall asleep.Other times if he is calm first I will take my shower and then bring him in the shower after I'm done. When we are both done I'll put him in his seat and that gives me enough time to get dressed before he gets fussy at which point I'll dress him and take care of him.

Here are some tips for taking a shower with your baby, in case anyone wants to try it!

• You could have your husband hand you the baby and then take the baby when you are done. But if no adult is around to help you it is still simple to do. Take your bouncer\baby seat into the bathroom. Put a towel down on it (this is important to help dry the baby but also in case the baby poops after his shower.) If you are taking your shower first, put the baby in the seat with just a diaper on.
• Once you are ready to put the baby in the shower just pick him up and take off his diaper. Hold him with both hands against your chest and slowly introduce him to the water. He may jump the first time. Then let the water run over him. Use baby shampoo (foaming kind works nice) and your hand to clean his body and hair. Move him around holding in different positions to allow you to wash all over him. If you are anxious you might drop a slippery baby you can try putting a wash cloth between you and the baby for traction. Again, if you are anxious thinking you will drop the baby, the first time you do this have Daddy there in case you need help.
• When done with baby, put him in his baby seat. Put a towel over him. I also quickly dry his head off. I also put a robe on top of the towel as an extra measure to keep Tristan warm.  Then hopefully baby will feel calm and relaxed which will allow you some time to give yourself some much needed attention and care.

*I'm sure taking a bath with your baby would be lovely as well. I personally don't take baths very often so I haven't done it with Tristan yet. I suspect a nice warm bath can be very soothing to baby.

The Familiar Comforts of Parenting an Infant

My thoughts lately have been turned to the comforts and joys of parenting a baby. I'm so happy for another chance to hold and care for a new baby. I think caring for a baby is rewarding especially when it isn't your first baby! It feels so good to be in familiar territory- and to feel confident about what I"m doing. When Garrett was little I had ideas, thoughts, and passions about caring for him. But with that first experience also came insecurity and doubts. However, slowly over time I became more confident in my own parenting skin thanks to time, experimenting, seeing cause and effect, following my heart and mother instant, and lots of support from some wonderful like-minded friends. With the birth of a second baby, at least for me, comes familiar comforts. When my sister-in-law reminds me on a stressful "I-can't-even-eat-breakfast-because-of-around-the-clock-nursing that "this too shall pass" I know that is true. I don't just hope or desire to believe its true. I know its true because I've been there and done that before! I know that the days and weeks go by fast, thus I need to enjoy my little bundle of needy joy. I'm more laid back in many ways (which is really something because I was pretty laid back even as a first time mom.)

Here is the thing about parenting a baby. Babies are demanding. No doubt about that. But their demands are pretty simple. Its mostly a physical demand on us mothers. 24 hours of it: Demands on our sleep and energy level. Around the clock demands of holding and carrying (maybe in arms, a baby carrier, or even in a car seat.) Around the clock breastfeeding. But their needs are pretty simple. Sleep, food, attachment\feeling loved, dealing with pee, poop, gas, spit-up, and as they get older providing stimulation (but in the right dosage to avoid over stimulation!) and dealing with simple boundaries\discipline. Perhaps the more challenging part is learning to adapt to our new norm with regards to our own needs and the needs of our other family members and our homes. It is some demanding work!


But we have some amazing help. As we birth and breastfeed our babies our bodies produce a cocktail of hormones that help us fall in love with our babies, be strongly attached, and even give us some relaxation time. Its like chemically induced patience and perseverance! As we care for our babies in the middle of the night our bodies adjust our long sleep cycles to more closely match an infant's shorter sleep cycle, making it easier for us to deal with interrupted sleep. Our brains also help us. Consider this:

"Dr. James Swain, a Canadian professor at Yale University, has been studying brain imaging of mothers' responses to crying. "A baby crying activates the circuits in the mothers' brain that are similar to those that become overactive in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. It also affects the parts of the brain that motivate us, help us appraise the environment, and calm us so we don't get too angry." (Quoted from the article Responding to Babies' Tears by Teresa Pitman. The article is from the 3rd 2009 issue of New Beginnings.)

The other cool thing about babies is they give pretty fast feed back. We typically find out if we are doing the right things or of we are on the wrong track. For example, when baby cries usually we can figure the reason out and we will know we solved the problem because baby will stop crying. Another example- we drag our baby on a 100 different errands and baby gets over tired and over stimulated. We quickly learn of baby's agitated state when nap time or bedtime rolls around and baby can't get 'organized' enough to even take that nap. So next week when we have 100 errands to do we either know we need to change our tactic or simply be prepared for a rough night. Baby is constantly giving us this feed back which can act as a pat on the back to us moms.  "I'm doing a good job!" Or a clue to change our ways. 'Humm... this isn't working. I better try something different!" In short, we as parents are constantly being validated by our infants. 

Now my thoughts on my 5 yr old. As he started to grow up the physical demands lessened. But now its much more demanding in emotionally and intellectual ways. His needs and the challenges he presents to me as a mother are so much more complex and hard to deal with! There are many times when I absolutely don't how to respond to a situation.There have been many moments when I had thought "it was so much easier when the breast or a nap solved most problems!"

Here are some examples of situations I"ve been complexed over: dealing with emotions. How do I help teach my son that emotions are not inherently good or bad but simply are messengers to us? How do I allow my son to have his emotions but to teach him to handle them without inflicting hurt or disrespect on to others or things? When he is angry and it brings up my own issues and baggage from my up bringing how can I stay present to his needs instead of acting out mine or withdrawing my love? Another example: how to handle the complex world of a 5 yr old's social life. When there are anywhere from 3 to  7 boys playing outside in the neighborhood things get heated sometimes! There are many times when I'm trying to deescalate a situation but at the same time try to help teach the children how to talk and work out their issues. Its hard and very frustrating! Often I just end up saying "Garrett just go inside and play by yourself!" because I don't know what to do and I get frustrated. For me, there is also the hurtle of keeping my eye on my parenting goals- the things I want to teach my son and my long term vision of the type of person I want him to be (like kind and considerate, hard worker, honest, etc.) Its often easy to do something that might work in the here and now but when I really examine the action it doesn't jive with my long term parenting goals. (For example, when I get really erked its so easy to think "boy a spanking would stop this behavior!" Yes, it may work in the short term but is not going to work with my personal long term goals for me and my child.)

Older children also don't always give feedback as quickly as babies do. Often I can go week or months before Garrett shows indications that something needs to change in the way I deal with him! I suspect that some times that feedback never comes (or we don't "get" it) until many years later. This is probably one reason why counselors are needed in our world! Not only is there the arena of "I'm not doing a very good job dealing with this issue" but there is also the arena of "oh, I have totally neglected to teach my kid that!" It seems harder to feel good and validated about my parenting with my older son. I find myself questioning, wondering, and agonizing over my role as a mother more then I ever do with my babies.  And my son is only 5 yrs old! I can only imagine how much more complicated and confusing parenting will get as my children reach their teen years.

In summary, I'm really relishing the comforts and joys of parenting a young baby. It really is a pretty simple stage of life-even as it is very demanding and exhausting one at the same time. One that gives me confidence and happiness.  In the short month Tristan has been in our family I can see that my feel-good-parenting success with him also gives me encouragement and motivation that "I can do this!" when I face parenting challenged with Garrett. I also know each child will teach me something new and different and I know Tristan will present me with challenges that Garrett never did.  Each stage of childhood will present challenges to me. I anticipate many moments when I think "I absolutely don't know what to do." Or "I know what I think I should do but how in the world do I actually DO it?" I will always have to learn and grow as a mother. I also know each stage of childhood and parenthood brings that "cookie" at the end of the day. With my little baby it might be him giving me a big smile while he is breastfeeding. With my big "baby" it might be when he says "Mommy I love you forever!" and gives me a hug out of the blue.