On Education. A Quote.

After being slightly aware of what a "Charlotte Mason educational" is for the past 2 years, I have finally jumped into reading and learning more about this educator and her appraoch. Two of my friends are owed credit for being patient with me in answering my questions until I got to the point of actually digging into some material on-line and in books. Looks like I"ll be doing a lot of reading for a while!

Its interesting to note how at differant points in my life I'm not ready to face something but when I come back to the topic later it totally clicks. For example, the book which I'll be quoting here, I started reading it well over a year ago and just coudn't get "into it" and wasn't getting much from it. But now much later, after reading some lighter, watered down outlines to get the "big picture, " this books is really interesting and is talk to me.

Here is a short passage that spoke to me recently. Its taken from For The Children's Sake. Foundations of Education for Home and Family by Susan Schaffer Macaulay, page 8. I won't give a commontary of why I like it so much. I'll just put it out there.

"When a baby is picked up, spoken to, and loved, he is starting his education as God planned. For all our lives we are human beings, in an active state of learning, responding, understanding. Education extends to all of life. In fact, an educational system that says, one bright summer's day in the dawn of my youth, "There. Now you are educated. This piece of paper says so," is doing me a gross disfavor. The truly educated person has only had many doors of interest opened. He knows that life will not be long enough to follow everything through fully."

7 Years Ago Today....(post 1 of 2)

Today marks 7 years since my little girl, Sierra Mae, was born silently into this world. Each year I'm amazed that it was so long ago that I was pregnant with her. Today I find myself wondering what it will be like to one day say "its been 15 yrs...20 yrs..."

As always, I have found the days and weeks leading up to this anniversary date more emotional then the actual day. It always seems to happen to me this way. This does leave her birthday a pretty peace day (except this is always a hectic time of year and I'm always feeling like I don't have enough time to truely stop and to honor her memory.) This year I've really felt the need to revisit and remember the events around her life more then I have the past few years. I think this is due to the fact that I had another pregnancy, another birth, and a new child enter into my life this year. I also have many friends who have lost babies at various stages of pregnancy this year. My heartaches for them and when I hear of their loss I am always reminded of my Sierra, my loss and my own heartache. I think this re-visitation of my own experiences and my own grief must be another step in the healing process. Its a moment to take stock of what I've gone through and to further assimilate the experience into my life...to understand who I am and how I came to be.

My Sierra was my first child. I had wanted her so badly. We were so excited to be parents and Brian just knew we were having a girl. My pregnancy, although too short, was wonderful. I really had such a good pregnancy...except the actual outcome! She had a chromosomal problem called Trisomy 18 that effected her body so badly that she wasn't growing properly at all, possibly had major defects in her heart, and her body was unable to handle normal fluids which caused edema, especially around her head\neck and around her heart. It was the fluid build up that caused her actual death.

We learned at 17 weeks that she was "sick" with a chromosomal problem but at that time the doctors were not sure which one. Their educated guess was Turners Syndrome or Trisomy 18. Three short weeks later she died. I was very fortunate to have those three weeks, although they were weeks full of anxiety, uncertainty, feeling hopeful and then feeling realistic, then to feel guilty for not having hope... (and on and on). Those 3 weeks gave me time to connect with my child and very importantly, I was able to research and talk to other mothers who had gone through high risk pregnancies. I learned that if my baby died anytime soon I could give birth to her. This knowledge ended up being such a blessing because my OB was not very sensitive to us or our feelings and tried to strong arm me into going to a different hospital to have a Dilation and Evacuation performed. But instead, I stuck to my guns (with the help of a wonderful specialist who supported us) and I was able to give birth to my little daughter.

She was tiny for her gestational age- only 6 inches long- and it was evident that her body was effected greatly by that extra chromosome. But at the same time, she was perfect. Tiny but perfect arms, legs, 10 tiny toes and 10 fingers. Tiny eyes and mouth. I"m so thankful for the chance I had to hold her and I know one day her body will be healed and will grow and she will be beautiful.

I had so wanted to carry her to term even though I knew she would die no matter what. (Trisomy 18 is considered "incompatible with life." Many babies with T18 are miscarried or stillborn.but some babies do bless us for a time with their presence on earth for a time. Sadly though, of those babies who are born alive, only about 10% live to see their 1st birthday. ) To this day I still would have chosen to carry her to term even if she would never have taken a breath. I wanted as much time with her as possible. I'd give so much to have felt her kick and move, to be able to talk to her through out my pregnancy, and then to have held her being much bigger and to really know what she looked like, to have pictures I could share with others and display in my home, and to have a proper place to go visit her. Alas, I'm thankful for the time I did have and I"m thankful I did get to hold her and take pictures of her. Instead of having her pictures displayed in our home we have a quilt made with love and tears by her maternal grandmother. I have other trinkets around our house that remind me of Sierra. Instead of having a grave to visit we have a memorial garden to visit created by loving and sensitive employees of Harbor Hospital.

Sierra Mae was- and still is- very real to me. I have felt her spirit and know she is a very sweet little girl. One day we will have her present with us again.

Please visit www.trisomy18.org to learn more about Trisomy 18 (the second most common chromosomal defect), and to read of about some amazing little children. Also, visit www.missfoundation.org for general info and support on pregnancy and infant loss.

(pictures in this post are taken at Harbor Hospital's memory angle garden. I'm very thankful for the hospital creating this garden and for the memorial services they have for their angle babies born at the hospital. I don't visit often but am so happy to have some place to go in her memory. Today I tied ribbons on the tree in memory of Sierra and all of the children my friend's have lost this year. I was going to do ornaments but didn't have time to make them so decided ribbons would look lovely too.) 

Raising Weeds or Boys?

Oh these boys grow up too fast! It makes me wonder if I'm raising weeds or chlidren?

Tristan is about 2 months now and I"m not sure how its possible for time to go by so quickly. He is starting to smile a lot more now and is really starting to "talk." My parents noticed at Thanksgiving he would try to follow my voice with his eyes. This past week we noticed Tristan attempting to following Garrett's movements with his eyes and head while Garrett ran around the kitchen table. Garrett though this was fun and started to run really fast so that Tristan couldn't keep up.

Then a few days ago I was so surprised to see some amazing head control on Tristan when I put him on the floor. I again saw this today when I was laying on the roller table at the chiropractor's office with Tristan laying on my chest. He was holding himself up, looking directly at me and then started to "talk" to me.

And lots not forget to mention that he is simply huge. Where has my little newborn gone?

He still is pretty colicky but it could be worse. It comes and goes which is a lot better then what Garrett had. He has lots of gas and its funny to watch him work all that gas our every morning. I usally lay him on the changing station and he moves and stretches while enjoying diaper free time. He is typically very happy and smily in the morning. I call this "my morning smiles."

(picture: he is so chubby!)

Garrett... he is also growing like a weed. I think he went through a growth spurt because he looks so tall all of a sudden. Or perhaps he just looks big because the baby is so small? He continues to be a great big brother even though his demands to hold his little brother sometimes are at the worse times. (Like when Tristan is crying!)

 (picture: Would you hire this babysitter again??)

Its amazing to me how Garrett has slowly been blossoming too. Ever the shy kid outside of the home, friends and family members have mentioned to me that he is opening up and talking more to them. I see this in him too. I'm amazed at his wonderful memory. He can navigate through video game menues like a pro even though he can't read. (And he also can figuare out many games all on his own. Its scary to see how he is way better at video games then I ever have been.) And today he beat me several times at the game Memory. This kid is good! I did not let him win but he won fair and square! (Sadly Garrett's love for video games has gotten out of control during this period of adjustment in our family so I've had to put a huge restriction on the tv\games during the day. This has been rough for me and my very persistan Garrett. I will say that what seems an annoying and bothersome trait for me to deal with- (Garrett being a very persistant, a quietly strong willed kid)- will one day be a strength for him in life. And an exericise in overcoming my permissiveness for me! (At least this is what I keep telling myself!)


He is slowly getting into Legos but I still can't trust him with a too many because he still tends to get crazy and throw them around. Once he is a bit more responsible with them I"ll bring the lego tables out of storage and some more of the legos. (Brian bought garbage bags full of legos from a co-worker.)

Garrett has lots of energy and I feel like this winter is going to be a long one! I already miss the fact that during the summer and fall he would spent several hours outside playing with his friends. But I'm doing my best to get us outside everyday. I put the baby in the wrap and he plays in the backyard. Today we played tennis on the sidewalk. Brian and I have also discussed enrolling Garrett in martial arts. We found a place 1 mile away from our house and will give Garrett a 3 week trial run soon.

Birth Conversation with Garrett

Garrett was in the bathtub and I was trying to wash his hair. He told me to close my eyes and he was going to surprise me by putting his head under the water. He was just trying to trick me though. He has never put his head under the water that I know of. The conversation that followed went something like this.

(Picture of Garrett right after birth.)

Me: Are you trying to work up the courage to put your head under the water?
Garrett: I'm scared too.
Me: You have never tried it.
Garrett: Once I did, when I came out of your uturus* I was born into the water.
Me: No you were not Garrett. You were born in a bed in the hospital.
Garrett: No I wasn't, I was born in the water.
Me: No you were not. You were born in the hospital on a bed, not at home.
Garrett: Why
Me: Because I didn't know I could have you at home. Then I learned I could give birth at home so I had Tristan at home.
Garrett: Oh. So when you brought me home daddy saw me and wanted to name me Garrett?
Me: Actually, dad was there with me when you were born. And we named you Garrett before you were born. We had an ultrasound and knew you were a boy and named you Garrett.
Garrett: Oh.

(Garrett the day we brought him home from the hospital.)

(Background for those who don't know. Garrett's little brother was born almost 2 mo ago at home in a birthing tub. We didn't know he was a boy until he was born (well actually daddy knew but no one else did) and we did not decide on his name until at least an hour after his birth.)

* We do our best to use proper names when talking to Garrett about body parts (athough he is also familiar with common slang names for body parts.) In the months leading up to Tristan's birth we talked bout the birthing process, watched some videos, read books, and Garrett went to every prenatal visit with me. He was also there at Tristan's birth (holding the phone with the midwife on speaker phone) and he also cut Tristan's cord.

What to do?

Today my mom came over to help me with house projects. She is a wonderful help like that. The project of the day was organizing clothes. This is something I hate! Oh I think it would be wonderful to live in a simpler time when people had just a few clothing items. I had to work on putting all my maternity clothes away and getting out all my regular clothes but had to weed out all the items that are not breastfeeding friendly. I had to put those good items in storage until my little on weans. My mom worked on sorting\ storing the clothes Garrett has out grown to save for Tristan and organizing all the hand me downs that are still too big for Garrett. And I still have baby clothes to go through! Tristan is already out growing many of his 0-3 months clothes and soon I need to get out the 3-6 mo clothes.

(picture is of Garrett. I was trying to find pictures of the boys in the same outfit but could not find one.)

Which leaves me to a big question. Now what to do with the baby clothes? Brian feels strongly that he doesn't want any more chldren. I would like at least one more. I am not ready for this chapter of my life to be closed already! So to keep the clothes or get rid of them?

I keep thinking: we might never have any more kids. Or maybe in another 5 yrs Brian will be ready for another one (after all, he was happy with Garrett being an only child for a long time!)  To keep or not to keep? On one hand it sounds so appealing to simply get rid of the clothes after Tristan outgrows them, after all- I hate clothes management! Maybe my hand-me- downs could bless someones life? But the thought of having to acquire new clothes if we do end up having another child is not fun. But what if we have a girl anyway? Or its another 5+ years until it happens. Do I want to store boxes of clothes for so long? Or what if I get rid of the clothes and free up all that storage space- only to decide (or unexpectedly?) get pregnant again?  (picture of Garrett again wearing a gown I've dressed Tristan in a lot too.)

Who knows? At least childrens' clothing is pretty easy to re-aquire since there are a lot of hand me downs floating around in the world. I do know one thing: I'm not planning on giving away my maternity clothes or the out grown cloth diapers any time soon!

(Tristan)