A Busy Weekend

We had a busy, good weekend but by Sunday night I was tired! Here are a few highlights from our busy weekend.

On Saturday the boys and I drove to NJ for cousin Ariel's birthday party. She just turned 3. We also celebrated Chris Jr's birthday because they were unable to have a party for him when he turned 5 back in Sept. 

It was a cold and breezy party at Fort Mott. Garrett had a great time seeing all the cousins, grandma\grandpa, and aunts and uncles. After cake and presents we went for an "Adventure" with some of the cousins around Fort Mott, which happens to be where Brian proposed to me. I had not been there for a long time and they now have many of the rooms closed off but its still a neat place to explore. Once the party was over I went to Heather's house for the evening where we chatted the best we could over loud, crazy children until I left around 7:30pm. I'm not sure what a normal conversation will be like once all our kids are off to school or work in 20 some years. It will probably sound too silent. 

The birthday girl.

Garrett and Chris are best little buds and love to play with each other. Here they are sporting matching shot guns.

Another highlight of our weekend was the fact that I managed to go to church for the first time since Tristan's birth. It went alright. I was a whole hour late. Garrett really doesn't like going to church (but is always happy after Primary) so he was really fighting me getting ready. Once we got there he didn't want to go into Sharing Time but luckily his teacher knows him pretty well and knows a good candy bribe works. Tristan slept most of the time until after we took the sacrament at which point he woke up ready to eat. So we 3 headed off to the mother's room to nurse in comfort. Except Garrett just felt the mother's lounge is one great playground.

(This is a picture Garrett insisted I take even though poor Tristan is very upset.)

He drove me crazy the whole time jumping and boucing around and washing his hands so he had an excuse to use the automatica paper towel dispenser. Then Tristan had a good screaming\crying fit because he got too much milk too fast and was uncomfortable. I'm sure we sounded a mess to the people in the bathroom with all the noise we were making between Garrett's bouncing on everything, Tristan crying, and me telling Garrett (unsuccessfully) to STOP AND CALM DOWN. But I eventually got Tristan calm and in the sling just in time to pack up and go home! 

(Garrett was playing with my camera too!)
Other highlights from the weekend: Friday Garrett went to the eye doctor. He needs to wear his glasses more! My mom took him to the movie and Brian, baby and I went to Marley's birthday celebration at PF Changs and walked the mall a bit to pass a fussy period with Tristan. On Sunday evening we went to an open house to celebrate a friend's happy adoption of their little girl. And finally, late Sunday night I spent an hour picking up our very messy house while everyone else was asleep because it truely was trashed! And I was reminded again that I should never really stay up after everyone else is asleep to clean the house becuase that is always when I feel  overwhelmed with life!

A Pleasant Ritual

One day I was agonizing on the phone with my good friend and sister-in-law, Heather, that I really wanted to take my morning shower but a fussy baby was preventing me. She suggested I do as she has done with all three of her kids. Have the baby take a shower with me! I had known she does this and knew of the idea but just never did it with Garrett. She gave me some tips on how to go about it and the next day I gave it a try.

It has proved to be a nice, relaxing experience for Tristan and me. Best of all its a good guarantee that I'll get my morning shower and that Tristan gets cleaned. (I find it hard to find time to give him a baby bath!) The first time I took Tristan into the shower he was fussing all morning. I decided to put him into the shower with me first and then crossed my fingers hoping once I put him down he would be calm enough to allow me to finish my shower. I got all the supplies ready and made sure the water was really warm but not scalding. We went into the shower and I braced myself for the initial flaring of the arms the baby would do when the water first him, something Heather warned me would probably happen. He did give a little jump with that first exposure to the water but then he relaxed, molded into my chest and was peaceful and content as I let the water run over him and as I cleaned him with foaming baby shampoo. I suspect that to Tristan, being on my skin with warm water surrounding us reminded him of when he was born. He was born in the water and immediately put on my chest where we stayed for a long time before getting out of the birth tub.

When I was done giving Tristan his shower I put him in his baby seat, covered him up with another towel and a robe for added warmth and continued to take my shower. I didn't hear a peep out of him. He was so calm and relaxed that I thought he fell asleep. He had not. He was just very relaxed in a quiet alert state.

Sometimes I bring Tristan in the shower right away if he is fussy and he will then be calm long enough for me to finish my shower and get at least mostly dressed. At that point I will spend some time gently rubbing lotion on his skin, then diaper and dress him. By then he is usually ready to nurse and hopefully fall asleep.Other times if he is calm first I will take my shower and then bring him in the shower after I'm done. When we are both done I'll put him in his seat and that gives me enough time to get dressed before he gets fussy at which point I'll dress him and take care of him.

Here are some tips for taking a shower with your baby, in case anyone wants to try it!

• You could have your husband hand you the baby and then take the baby when you are done. But if no adult is around to help you it is still simple to do. Take your bouncer\baby seat into the bathroom. Put a towel down on it (this is important to help dry the baby but also in case the baby poops after his shower.) If you are taking your shower first, put the baby in the seat with just a diaper on.
• Once you are ready to put the baby in the shower just pick him up and take off his diaper. Hold him with both hands against your chest and slowly introduce him to the water. He may jump the first time. Then let the water run over him. Use baby shampoo (foaming kind works nice) and your hand to clean his body and hair. Move him around holding in different positions to allow you to wash all over him. If you are anxious you might drop a slippery baby you can try putting a wash cloth between you and the baby for traction. Again, if you are anxious thinking you will drop the baby, the first time you do this have Daddy there in case you need help.
• When done with baby, put him in his baby seat. Put a towel over him. I also quickly dry his head off. I also put a robe on top of the towel as an extra measure to keep Tristan warm.  Then hopefully baby will feel calm and relaxed which will allow you some time to give yourself some much needed attention and care.

*I'm sure taking a bath with your baby would be lovely as well. I personally don't take baths very often so I haven't done it with Tristan yet. I suspect a nice warm bath can be very soothing to baby.

The Familiar Comforts of Parenting an Infant

My thoughts lately have been turned to the comforts and joys of parenting a baby. I'm so happy for another chance to hold and care for a new baby. I think caring for a baby is rewarding especially when it isn't your first baby! It feels so good to be in familiar territory- and to feel confident about what I"m doing. When Garrett was little I had ideas, thoughts, and passions about caring for him. But with that first experience also came insecurity and doubts. However, slowly over time I became more confident in my own parenting skin thanks to time, experimenting, seeing cause and effect, following my heart and mother instant, and lots of support from some wonderful like-minded friends. With the birth of a second baby, at least for me, comes familiar comforts. When my sister-in-law reminds me on a stressful "I-can't-even-eat-breakfast-because-of-around-the-clock-nursing that "this too shall pass" I know that is true. I don't just hope or desire to believe its true. I know its true because I've been there and done that before! I know that the days and weeks go by fast, thus I need to enjoy my little bundle of needy joy. I'm more laid back in many ways (which is really something because I was pretty laid back even as a first time mom.)

Here is the thing about parenting a baby. Babies are demanding. No doubt about that. But their demands are pretty simple. Its mostly a physical demand on us mothers. 24 hours of it: Demands on our sleep and energy level. Around the clock demands of holding and carrying (maybe in arms, a baby carrier, or even in a car seat.) Around the clock breastfeeding. But their needs are pretty simple. Sleep, food, attachment\feeling loved, dealing with pee, poop, gas, spit-up, and as they get older providing stimulation (but in the right dosage to avoid over stimulation!) and dealing with simple boundaries\discipline. Perhaps the more challenging part is learning to adapt to our new norm with regards to our own needs and the needs of our other family members and our homes. It is some demanding work!


But we have some amazing help. As we birth and breastfeed our babies our bodies produce a cocktail of hormones that help us fall in love with our babies, be strongly attached, and even give us some relaxation time. Its like chemically induced patience and perseverance! As we care for our babies in the middle of the night our bodies adjust our long sleep cycles to more closely match an infant's shorter sleep cycle, making it easier for us to deal with interrupted sleep. Our brains also help us. Consider this:

"Dr. James Swain, a Canadian professor at Yale University, has been studying brain imaging of mothers' responses to crying. "A baby crying activates the circuits in the mothers' brain that are similar to those that become overactive in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. It also affects the parts of the brain that motivate us, help us appraise the environment, and calm us so we don't get too angry." (Quoted from the article Responding to Babies' Tears by Teresa Pitman. The article is from the 3rd 2009 issue of New Beginnings.)

The other cool thing about babies is they give pretty fast feed back. We typically find out if we are doing the right things or of we are on the wrong track. For example, when baby cries usually we can figure the reason out and we will know we solved the problem because baby will stop crying. Another example- we drag our baby on a 100 different errands and baby gets over tired and over stimulated. We quickly learn of baby's agitated state when nap time or bedtime rolls around and baby can't get 'organized' enough to even take that nap. So next week when we have 100 errands to do we either know we need to change our tactic or simply be prepared for a rough night. Baby is constantly giving us this feed back which can act as a pat on the back to us moms.  "I'm doing a good job!" Or a clue to change our ways. 'Humm... this isn't working. I better try something different!" In short, we as parents are constantly being validated by our infants. 

Now my thoughts on my 5 yr old. As he started to grow up the physical demands lessened. But now its much more demanding in emotionally and intellectual ways. His needs and the challenges he presents to me as a mother are so much more complex and hard to deal with! There are many times when I absolutely don't how to respond to a situation.There have been many moments when I had thought "it was so much easier when the breast or a nap solved most problems!"

Here are some examples of situations I"ve been complexed over: dealing with emotions. How do I help teach my son that emotions are not inherently good or bad but simply are messengers to us? How do I allow my son to have his emotions but to teach him to handle them without inflicting hurt or disrespect on to others or things? When he is angry and it brings up my own issues and baggage from my up bringing how can I stay present to his needs instead of acting out mine or withdrawing my love? Another example: how to handle the complex world of a 5 yr old's social life. When there are anywhere from 3 to  7 boys playing outside in the neighborhood things get heated sometimes! There are many times when I'm trying to deescalate a situation but at the same time try to help teach the children how to talk and work out their issues. Its hard and very frustrating! Often I just end up saying "Garrett just go inside and play by yourself!" because I don't know what to do and I get frustrated. For me, there is also the hurtle of keeping my eye on my parenting goals- the things I want to teach my son and my long term vision of the type of person I want him to be (like kind and considerate, hard worker, honest, etc.) Its often easy to do something that might work in the here and now but when I really examine the action it doesn't jive with my long term parenting goals. (For example, when I get really erked its so easy to think "boy a spanking would stop this behavior!" Yes, it may work in the short term but is not going to work with my personal long term goals for me and my child.)

Older children also don't always give feedback as quickly as babies do. Often I can go week or months before Garrett shows indications that something needs to change in the way I deal with him! I suspect that some times that feedback never comes (or we don't "get" it) until many years later. This is probably one reason why counselors are needed in our world! Not only is there the arena of "I'm not doing a very good job dealing with this issue" but there is also the arena of "oh, I have totally neglected to teach my kid that!" It seems harder to feel good and validated about my parenting with my older son. I find myself questioning, wondering, and agonizing over my role as a mother more then I ever do with my babies.  And my son is only 5 yrs old! I can only imagine how much more complicated and confusing parenting will get as my children reach their teen years.

In summary, I'm really relishing the comforts and joys of parenting a young baby. It really is a pretty simple stage of life-even as it is very demanding and exhausting one at the same time. One that gives me confidence and happiness.  In the short month Tristan has been in our family I can see that my feel-good-parenting success with him also gives me encouragement and motivation that "I can do this!" when I face parenting challenged with Garrett. I also know each child will teach me something new and different and I know Tristan will present me with challenges that Garrett never did.  Each stage of childhood will present challenges to me. I anticipate many moments when I think "I absolutely don't know what to do." Or "I know what I think I should do but how in the world do I actually DO it?" I will always have to learn and grow as a mother. I also know each stage of childhood and parenthood brings that "cookie" at the end of the day. With my little baby it might be him giving me a big smile while he is breastfeeding. With my big "baby" it might be when he says "Mommy I love you forever!" and gives me a hug out of the blue.