A Year of Suviving and Thriving

Last week marked the 1 year anniversary of my brother-in-law, Chris Sr's, death. He died unexpectedly of a heart attack at age 32. My sister-in-law and good friend, Heather (who is my husband's sister) was left with their two kids, Chris Jr (now 5), Ariel (now 3), and at the time she was pregnant with baby Hope (who is now 7 months old.) Chris was a fun guy to be around. He was very social and he always seemed to have friends hanging out at his house. He also was a minister with his church and was very passionate about his faith and his love of God. He did a lot of work in spreading the news of God's love for everyone and wasn't afraid to talk to people currently in the lowest of lows.  

It goes with out saying that this past year has been a difficult year full of grief, changes, and challenges for Heather and her children. But this year did bring many wonderful blessings, the biggest of all was the birth of Hope Alexandra. Heather is an amazingly strong women. There are many hard moments and days but she has a lot of faith in the Lord which helps her along. For me, its been a bit difficult to be so far from her (well, only an hour or so but still its not right around the corner.) Its difficult to want to be able to help in the small moments only to be so far away.  For example, when baby Hope had colic it was so sad knowing Heather was home late at night dealing with a crying baby and fighting with the other two to go to bed while being all  by herself with no relief. It is moments like that we are thankful for things like text messaging!

As the 1 yr anniversary date of Chris's death approached Heather decided she wanted to have a celebration. She wanted Chris's life to be remembered. But what she really wanted was to celebrate a year of her not only Surviving but a year of Thriving. She wanted to celebrate her survival of all the "firsts" in her new normal. She wanted to celebrate the fact that even though her best friend and love is no longer by her side she can still smile, laugh, and have joy. So we had a party!

I went the night before and we had a big slumber party with the kids. On Friday we cleaned the house, the kids played, Heather went shopping for supplies while I watched the kids, we prepared the food. The really fun and amazing part was an art project Heather came up with. On pieces of paper she wrote events, emotions she has dealt with, and all "stuff" she survived and thrived through in the past year. Then we hung the papers on the wall which created a large visual memorial acknowledging and celebrating this incredible year. It really was an amazing ritual.

(picture: I think we added more after this picture was taken.)

Then we ate, visiting, talked about Chris, talked about life. People who stopped by to join the party would walk in the door and immediately see the Wall of Thriving. They would read it and then say, "Heather you forgot to write XYZ on the wall." Heather would grab a pen and add the suggested event to the Wall of Thriving. 

 

 

Birth Choices. Time For A Change

"I want to thank you for seeing me during my pregnancy as a back-up OB for my planned homebirth with a midwife. Even though I only went to your office twice, it was very comforting having a place to go for an ultrasound and to have your services available just in case a complication would arise during my pregnancy. I realize that in the current political climate surrounding homebirth and health care it can be risky professionally for an OB to provide services to women like me who seek out alternative care during our pregnancies. So it is with great appreciation that I thank you for doing the uncommon thing of providing medical back-up! It truely was comforting knowing that I would have a point of entrance into the medical system if the need were to arise."

It felt rediculiously great to finally get this thank you note, along with a gift card to Starbucks, and a picture of my cute little boy into the mail to the Dr who provided me with back-up OB care for my homebirth. I hope that expressing my gratitude to his male OB does at least a little in way of making midwifery and homebirth a bit more accessible to women every where.

I dream of the day when women can truely be given free choice to seek the type of medical care they desire for their pregnancies and birth. A day when all midwives can work legally with-in the law, a law that recognizes the validity of midwives. A day when women living in New York, Maryland, New Mexico, and all states will have the same rights and privileges to seek the services of a midwife. A day when that midwife can have full access to medical resources so they can provide the mother with the best care they deserve. So that when babies do come too early or when a complication does arises a women can go to the hospital and her midwife can accompany that mother with out fear.  

Its time women have a choice and a voice. Its time we take back our pregnancy and birth experiences. Whether that birth is in the hospital or at home or in a birthing center. With a midwife or an OB. Whether that pregnancy ends in the saddest or scariest day of our life when we have a miscarriage or stillbirth or give birth to a sick baby who may or may not live or be handicapped. Or whether that pregnancy ends up being one of our happiest days ever when we give birth to a healthy, fat baby.

Its time for politics to stop dictating our births. Hospitals need to stop banning thing like VBACs. Its time for hospitals to stop insisting women receive certain mandatory interventions and instead reserve those intervention for when they are truely needed.  Its time for OBs to take a step back and allow midwives their rightful place once again in the world of "catching babies." (And not just pseudo midwifery care provided in the hospital- where hospital policies tend to force midwives to provide "watered down" midwifery care.) And most of all, its time women are given the chance to make truely informed choices and then get full support from our laws and the health care system in that decision. It is time!

And lastly, it is time we women learn that we are powerful, strong, birthing machines. That our bodies are amazingly designed to give birth. That pregnancy and birth are normal, natural processes. That "babies come out!" Yes, things can and do go wrong in the process and at these times it is a great blessing to have all manner of medical intervention. But let us remember (or realize perhaps for the first time) that the process matters. A healthy baby and mama are most supreme but the process matters. Pregnancy and birth can be one of the most empowering experiences a women will ever go through. 

I hope to do a part in bringing this vision to fruition. Even if my part is tiny and perhaps insignificant in the scheme of things.  

"As women, we are inherently both power-filled and power-full. Each one of us knows on some level that we do have awesome strength at our core." --from the book Mother Rising