Giving Myself Permission....

This afternoon I took the boys out to a local favorite nature spot. We meet several friends there. Good friends. Friends who  have been such a huge support to me since Garrett was less then six months old. Friends who I don't see as often as I should these days.

As the children ran around like crazed maniacs, reminding me of Lord of the Flies, we mothers chatted. All morning I had looked forward to this chance to talk to my friends. In essence- pouring half my guts out to them about all my current parenting woes, set backs, frustrations and insecurities. (The children did calm down into more focused playing in the river and I did calm down and made sure others had enough time to chat about their struggles.)  It was a good, very needed visit with these wonderful friends. And I can say it was productive. It wasn't just a gripe session. And, a least tonight, I feel calmer. A bit more OK with my world and not quit desperately feeling so weak, frustrated, like things will never improve.

Tonight I give myself permission to:

• Acknowledge my feelings. Aceept them for what they are: information about me. Information about the condition of my everything. (I say everything about I can't define myself in a nutshell by saying my spirit, emotions, physical, and social self.)
• To accept my feelings with out judging myself or putting myself down, with out the negative self defeating self-talk. In other words, I give permission to love myself without strings attached.
• Hope for a brighter future, a better day. 
• Have patience and love for myself as well as with my family. 
• To celebrate small achievements and improvements, no matters how small they might appear.  

(I did eventually end up in the river and took Tristan in. It was so cute, I took his diaper off and snapped his jumper up. But his jumper is getting too small. He was playing in the water and- sure enough half his buttons had popped open and his little penis was hanging out. It was so funny. He didn't seem to mind.) 

End of Part 1.

Part 2:

On Monday we started homeschooling for the year. Garrett is considered to be in 1st grade. I feel like this year is a our first "real" year homeschooling because we were very unstructured last year, for the most part. I decided yesterday it would be a good idea to write down why I decided to homeschool. I think it will be especially helpful for rough days. So I am going to attempt to write this in a nutshell.

Brian and I come from very different educational backgrounds and experiences. Polar opposites really. And our experiences are really the springboard for the reason we ever even considered homeschooling. I was a very late bloomer academically. I started Kindergarten when I was 6 due to my birthday being Sept 19th. But I really struggled in school. I repeated 1st grade. If you do the math, you will figure that I got my driving license as a freshman in high school! At some point (I want to say around 2nd grade) I was put in "LD" classes (learning disability classes) for just about every subject except math and social studies. (Which is really funny because math is not my strong suite.) I actually remember the testing I went through in order to be placed into this class. And I remember a horrible conversation on the playground when some girl pointed out she had the test done too but it was to be put into gifted classes, and I had to to be put in the LD classes.

I really struggled learning how to read. I don't know that I really cared to learn to read for a while. Well I suppose the desire was there but not enough to struggle through with it. I had a very vivid imagination. I remember one day "reading" a book (looking at the pictures and making up my own story) and my grandma asked "why don't you try to actually read it?" Umm..no. I loved stories though. I remember sitting around during reading time. My books where so boring. I would sit there and instead of trying to read my books independently like I was suppose to, I would instead listen to the other students read out-load with the teacher from there much more exciting readers. When my step-mom, Leslie, entered the picture, I remember her reading The Secret Garden to me (and I know my mom read to me a lot too.) That was lovely- I really liked that story. I remember the Boxcar Children series was really popular back then. I wanted to read them so badly but my reading skills were not good enough. I remember getting sick with the shingle and having to stay home for a whole week, by myself while my parents worked. I picked up the book The Little House in the Prairie (or maybe it was the Big Woods one) and I slowly made my way through it. I think that was a turning point in me- a realization that I really did want to learn how to read better because then this whole world of books would be open to me, with out having to rely on others. So the motivation was there. I was only in that LD class for about 1.5 years (it was great learning style for me too- a lot of independent work which I rocked at, still did when I went to vo-tech in high school to escape high school.) For all my struggle, in 9th grade I was placed in honors English. In college I was also in honors English. I caught up mostly. But I did have holes in my education (mainly from moving a lot. Also from not picking up on concepts fast enough before the class went on to the next subject. This is one of the reasons I really stink at math and am very insecure in math.)

I was a good student. Very willing to please and to learn. But I was a late bloomer for sure. Part of it I think was my personality. I was very shy and introverted as a kid (except with my one best friend.) I was also severely made fun of by other children (this started to go away at about 6th grade but finally stopped at 7th grade. Do the math, don't forget about 2 yrs in 1st grade- that is a lot of time to suffer through being made fun of.) My family life wasn't always very stable either, (I think my parents separated right about the time I entered K) so I know that had some factor in it all too. Even though I was  a good student later in my childhood, I did go to vo-tech starting in the 10th grade to study child development. A huge factor in this choice was to make high school a bit more bearable. But to be honest, I dropped out of high school at the end of the 1st semester in 11th grade. Yup, I'm a high school drop out. But I got my GED in the state of Maryland and I have an actual Maryland High School Diploma.) So....Umm...I think I should have been homeschool. ;) 

Well, my dearest husband had the exact opposite experience. He was always gifted. He was a very smart kid. And is still a very smart adult. He is one of those people that really doesn't have much of an educational weakness. Great at math. Great at writing. He was an early reader. He was reading things like Steven King at a really young age. So young that the librarian at the local library thought he was checking out inappropriate books to read. At some point, he was bused every day to another school in order to attend a class for gifted students. He reports he really liked it. He was challenged and not bored. But things changed. The family moved in order to give his brother a new start in school because his brother was getting in trouble school. His parents though turning over a new leaf would help. Unfortunately, with the move Brian could no longer go to this class for gifted students. He ended up in normal class and was very bored. In fact, he was helping to tutor the other kids. His educational needs were not meet. He did find an outlet for himself, in his own personal time. Computers. In high school his grades were poor. I guess he was just bored and at that point didn't care. He also was struggling with some health issues. He would fall asleep in class. Once when he had fallen asleep in computer class the teacher had had all the students gather around in a circle around him. He woke up and they were all staring at him. (Turns out, he has narcolepsy. And of coarse he fell asleep in computer class. He is a computer guru and has been since he was very, very young.)  

So it is from these two very different backgrounds we come from. Why I want to homeschool? To meet my child's needs, whether those needs are average, slower then average, or gifted. To let my child learn and grown in his own time frame. To be able to linger on a subject that interests him. To be able to linger on a subject he might need extra time to absorb. Or to speed past a subject that he doesn't really care about (although I do think something we have to learn even if we don't really care to learn them!). Basically, to meet his needs. I also want to teach my child to love learning. To teach him how to learn. That learning is never over. Our whole life is one big learning experience. Learning does not stop when the bell brings and we go home on the bus. (oh, or after we finally do our homework.)

I also feel that current public school philosophy pushes too much too fast for our children. The schools are requiring more and more of our young students. Is it really working? I don't think so. I would much rather let the kid play in the mud and be a kid. Academics come soon enough.

I also feel the most natural environment for a child to learn in, is in a place he feels at home. By his mothers knees. Who loves these children the most? Who knows them the best? Mother and Father!

Also, I think there are so many interesting ways to learn. So many different styles of learning. Some many philosophies on education (maybe too many good options!) I want to have options! Why limit a child to one style; public school style? Why limit a child to 4 walls? We are each so unique and individual. What may be good for 20 pupils in a class room probably is not good for at least 1 of them!

Those are my main motivations for wanting to homeschool. There are some other perks, other goals. But its getting late and this is long so I won't write about them.


Tonight I give myself permission to:

• Enjoy the homeschooling ride with my child. Relax and enjoy!
• To have fun
• To let my child grow at his own pace. (To not compare him to others. To not freak out if he is  "behind" his public school counterparts.)
• Not follow the schedule I think I should follow. To take all the time Garrett might need. 
• Be the authority on my child and his educational needs. I know him best.
• Take the pressure off. Its not my job to teach him everything.
• Grow and adapt to my needs and the needs of my children and family