The Familiar Comforts of Parenting an Infant

My thoughts lately have been turned to the comforts and joys of parenting a baby. I'm so happy for another chance to hold and care for a new baby. I think caring for a baby is rewarding especially when it isn't your first baby! It feels so good to be in familiar territory- and to feel confident about what I"m doing. When Garrett was little I had ideas, thoughts, and passions about caring for him. But with that first experience also came insecurity and doubts. However, slowly over time I became more confident in my own parenting skin thanks to time, experimenting, seeing cause and effect, following my heart and mother instant, and lots of support from some wonderful like-minded friends. With the birth of a second baby, at least for me, comes familiar comforts. When my sister-in-law reminds me on a stressful "I-can't-even-eat-breakfast-because-of-around-the-clock-nursing that "this too shall pass" I know that is true. I don't just hope or desire to believe its true. I know its true because I've been there and done that before! I know that the days and weeks go by fast, thus I need to enjoy my little bundle of needy joy. I'm more laid back in many ways (which is really something because I was pretty laid back even as a first time mom.)

Here is the thing about parenting a baby. Babies are demanding. No doubt about that. But their demands are pretty simple. Its mostly a physical demand on us mothers. 24 hours of it: Demands on our sleep and energy level. Around the clock demands of holding and carrying (maybe in arms, a baby carrier, or even in a car seat.) Around the clock breastfeeding. But their needs are pretty simple. Sleep, food, attachment\feeling loved, dealing with pee, poop, gas, spit-up, and as they get older providing stimulation (but in the right dosage to avoid over stimulation!) and dealing with simple boundaries\discipline. Perhaps the more challenging part is learning to adapt to our new norm with regards to our own needs and the needs of our other family members and our homes. It is some demanding work!


But we have some amazing help. As we birth and breastfeed our babies our bodies produce a cocktail of hormones that help us fall in love with our babies, be strongly attached, and even give us some relaxation time. Its like chemically induced patience and perseverance! As we care for our babies in the middle of the night our bodies adjust our long sleep cycles to more closely match an infant's shorter sleep cycle, making it easier for us to deal with interrupted sleep. Our brains also help us. Consider this:

"Dr. James Swain, a Canadian professor at Yale University, has been studying brain imaging of mothers' responses to crying. "A baby crying activates the circuits in the mothers' brain that are similar to those that become overactive in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. It also affects the parts of the brain that motivate us, help us appraise the environment, and calm us so we don't get too angry." (Quoted from the article Responding to Babies' Tears by Teresa Pitman. The article is from the 3rd 2009 issue of New Beginnings.)

The other cool thing about babies is they give pretty fast feed back. We typically find out if we are doing the right things or of we are on the wrong track. For example, when baby cries usually we can figure the reason out and we will know we solved the problem because baby will stop crying. Another example- we drag our baby on a 100 different errands and baby gets over tired and over stimulated. We quickly learn of baby's agitated state when nap time or bedtime rolls around and baby can't get 'organized' enough to even take that nap. So next week when we have 100 errands to do we either know we need to change our tactic or simply be prepared for a rough night. Baby is constantly giving us this feed back which can act as a pat on the back to us moms.  "I'm doing a good job!" Or a clue to change our ways. 'Humm... this isn't working. I better try something different!" In short, we as parents are constantly being validated by our infants. 

Now my thoughts on my 5 yr old. As he started to grow up the physical demands lessened. But now its much more demanding in emotionally and intellectual ways. His needs and the challenges he presents to me as a mother are so much more complex and hard to deal with! There are many times when I absolutely don't how to respond to a situation.There have been many moments when I had thought "it was so much easier when the breast or a nap solved most problems!"

Here are some examples of situations I"ve been complexed over: dealing with emotions. How do I help teach my son that emotions are not inherently good or bad but simply are messengers to us? How do I allow my son to have his emotions but to teach him to handle them without inflicting hurt or disrespect on to others or things? When he is angry and it brings up my own issues and baggage from my up bringing how can I stay present to his needs instead of acting out mine or withdrawing my love? Another example: how to handle the complex world of a 5 yr old's social life. When there are anywhere from 3 to  7 boys playing outside in the neighborhood things get heated sometimes! There are many times when I'm trying to deescalate a situation but at the same time try to help teach the children how to talk and work out their issues. Its hard and very frustrating! Often I just end up saying "Garrett just go inside and play by yourself!" because I don't know what to do and I get frustrated. For me, there is also the hurtle of keeping my eye on my parenting goals- the things I want to teach my son and my long term vision of the type of person I want him to be (like kind and considerate, hard worker, honest, etc.) Its often easy to do something that might work in the here and now but when I really examine the action it doesn't jive with my long term parenting goals. (For example, when I get really erked its so easy to think "boy a spanking would stop this behavior!" Yes, it may work in the short term but is not going to work with my personal long term goals for me and my child.)

Older children also don't always give feedback as quickly as babies do. Often I can go week or months before Garrett shows indications that something needs to change in the way I deal with him! I suspect that some times that feedback never comes (or we don't "get" it) until many years later. This is probably one reason why counselors are needed in our world! Not only is there the arena of "I'm not doing a very good job dealing with this issue" but there is also the arena of "oh, I have totally neglected to teach my kid that!" It seems harder to feel good and validated about my parenting with my older son. I find myself questioning, wondering, and agonizing over my role as a mother more then I ever do with my babies.  And my son is only 5 yrs old! I can only imagine how much more complicated and confusing parenting will get as my children reach their teen years.

In summary, I'm really relishing the comforts and joys of parenting a young baby. It really is a pretty simple stage of life-even as it is very demanding and exhausting one at the same time. One that gives me confidence and happiness.  In the short month Tristan has been in our family I can see that my feel-good-parenting success with him also gives me encouragement and motivation that "I can do this!" when I face parenting challenged with Garrett. I also know each child will teach me something new and different and I know Tristan will present me with challenges that Garrett never did.  Each stage of childhood will present challenges to me. I anticipate many moments when I think "I absolutely don't know what to do." Or "I know what I think I should do but how in the world do I actually DO it?" I will always have to learn and grow as a mother. I also know each stage of childhood and parenthood brings that "cookie" at the end of the day. With my little baby it might be him giving me a big smile while he is breastfeeding. With my big "baby" it might be when he says "Mommy I love you forever!" and gives me a hug out of the blue.