Today marks 7 years since my little girl, Sierra Mae, was born silently into this world. Each year I'm amazed that it was so long ago that I was pregnant with her. Today I find myself wondering what it will be like to one day say "its been 15 yrs...20 yrs..."
As always, I have found the days and weeks leading up to this anniversary date more emotional then the actual day. It always seems to happen to me this way. This does leave her birthday a pretty peace day (except this is always a hectic time of year and I'm always feeling like I don't have enough time to truely stop and to honor her memory.) This year I've really felt the need to revisit and remember the events around her life more then I have the past few years. I think this is due to the fact that I had another pregnancy, another birth, and a new child enter into my life this year. I also have many friends who have lost babies at various stages of pregnancy this year. My heartaches for them and when I hear of their loss I am always reminded of my Sierra, my loss and my own heartache. I think this re-visitation of my own experiences and my own grief must be another step in the healing process. Its a moment to take stock of what I've gone through and to further assimilate the experience into my life...to understand who I am and how I came to be.
My Sierra was my first child. I had wanted her so badly. We were so excited to be parents and Brian just knew we were having a girl. My pregnancy, although too short, was wonderful. I really had such a good pregnancy...except the actual outcome! She had a chromosomal problem called Trisomy 18 that effected her body so badly that she wasn't growing properly at all, possibly had major defects in her heart, and her body was unable to handle normal fluids which caused edema, especially around her head\neck and around her heart. It was the fluid build up that caused her actual death.
We learned at 17 weeks that she was "sick" with a chromosomal problem but at that time the doctors were not sure which one. Their educated guess was Turners Syndrome or Trisomy 18. Three short weeks later she died. I was very fortunate to have those three weeks, although they were weeks full of anxiety, uncertainty, feeling hopeful and then feeling realistic, then to feel guilty for not having hope... (and on and on). Those 3 weeks gave me time to connect with my child and very importantly, I was able to research and talk to other mothers who had gone through high risk pregnancies. I learned that if my baby died anytime soon I could give birth to her. This knowledge ended up being such a blessing because my OB was not very sensitive to us or our feelings and tried to strong arm me into going to a different hospital to have a Dilation and Evacuation performed. But instead, I stuck to my guns (with the help of a wonderful specialist who supported us) and I was able to give birth to my little daughter.
She was tiny for her gestational age- only 6 inches long- and it was evident that her body was effected greatly by that extra chromosome. But at the same time, she was perfect. Tiny but perfect arms, legs, 10 tiny toes and 10 fingers. Tiny eyes and mouth. I"m so thankful for the chance I had to hold her and I know one day her body will be healed and will grow and she will be beautiful.
I had so wanted to carry her to term even though I knew she would die no matter what. (Trisomy 18 is considered "incompatible with life." Many babies with T18 are miscarried or stillborn.but some babies do bless us for a time with their presence on earth for a time. Sadly though, of those babies who are born alive, only about 10% live to see their 1st birthday. ) To this day I still would have chosen to carry her to term even if she would never have taken a breath. I wanted as much time with her as possible. I'd give so much to have felt her kick and move, to be able to talk to her through out my pregnancy, and then to have held her being much bigger and to really know what she looked like, to have pictures I could share with others and display in my home, and to have a proper place to go visit her. Alas, I'm thankful for the time I did have and I"m thankful I did get to hold her and take pictures of her. Instead of having her pictures displayed in our home we have a quilt made with love and tears by her maternal grandmother. I have other trinkets around our house that remind me of Sierra. Instead of having a grave to visit we have a memorial garden to visit created by loving and sensitive employees of Harbor Hospital.
Sierra Mae was- and still is- very real to me. I have felt her spirit and know she is a very sweet little girl. One day we will have her present with us again.
Please visit www.trisomy18.org to learn more about Trisomy 18 (the second most common chromosomal defect), and to read of about some amazing little children. Also, visit www.missfoundation.org for general info and support on pregnancy and infant loss.
(pictures in this post are taken at Harbor Hospital's memory angle garden. I'm very thankful for the hospital creating this garden and for the memorial services they have for their angle babies born at the hospital. I don't visit often but am so happy to have some place to go in her memory. Today I tied ribbons on the tree in memory of Sierra and all of the children my friend's have lost this year. I was going to do ornaments but didn't have time to make them so decided ribbons would look lovely too.)
I am grateful I got so much time with Mariah, and that I do have a place to go. Thank s for reminding me. And thanks for tying a ribbon for her. Keep us in your prayers. I don't know how you made it.
ReplyDeleteCatherine, I'm grateful you had so much time with Mariah too and a place to go visit her. I wish I would have pushed harder to have her cremated privately or what not. But the staff at the hospital (although great) discouraged it. Supposedly they cremate the little ones and then have a place in a cemetery in southern MD where they put the ashes. For some reason (irrational, I'm sure) I have a hard time believing they actually did that. Something else I question in my head is if I truely have her blanket she was laying on. The blanket is in my memory box the nurses made for me but I always think they threw the real one away and gave me a clean one. And these are things I still think about 7 yrs later!
ReplyDeleteI made it through.... one day or second at a time? I don't know. Baby steps I guess. I actually started to re-read my journal from the immediate Post-pardum time and decided not to because I think this time in my life right now is too vulnerable to take any chance at re-feeling that pain. Not sure my emotional boundaries are strong enough. I did read a bit from my journal when I was pregnant with Garrett. I could manage that because I was more "with it" then and that was when I started to understand more of the spiritual side of things (this was 9+ months after Sierra died.)
Thank you so much for sharing Dawn. That's something I sturggle with right now, I am starting to wish I would have labored our dear baby out instead of having the D&C, and I agree, it's hard not having a place to go. Anyhow I'm glad you shared some of your thoughts and feelings on here, it has helped me more then you know. Thanks for having the courage to do that.
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ReplyDeleteDear Dawn, I have been thinking about Sierra every day since ... has it been that long? And yet it feels like longer. Your story and your courage have been on my mind even as I deal with this pain which is unlike any other and so hard to talk about. And yet you have done it, given voice to your feelings and your memories of your daughter. As you visit the Garden I have been visiting your blog. It has become a place of understanding.
ReplyDeleteAravinda