I decided last night I'm officially calling myself worn out, exhausted. I have a bad habit of constantly down playing my own trials and tribulations because I look around me and see so many friends and loved ones who are going through much harder trials. I have compassion and that is good. But I need to have compassion and love for myself as well. I realize that while my trials are not "big" trials right now (have been there though and know I will be there again at some point), even "little" trials are hard and exhausting.
Brian's constantly working has left me tired. Having a new baby and also the new role of being a homeschooling mom has left my previous rituals and rhythms totally off and ineffective. My house is a mess and my laundry is constantly piled up. I hate having to dig int he dryer in the morning for clean underwear and the panic at night of "does my husband have clean clothes to were to work in the morning? I hate having a messy kitchen with the breakfast plates still on the counter, or worse, on the kitchen table. I hate it all.
Tristan has been really fussy at night again since Thursday (6 days now) and will cry and cry before finally falling asleep or will wake up crying for an hour or so in the middle of the night. He seems to be on a type of nursing strike- he will nurse but not as much as normal. So I've been overly full and developed a really horrible plugged duct on Sunday. My breasts are feeling better but both are still tender and I won't be surprised in the least if I develop mastitis at some point in April.
My kids are not getting to bed on time at all. I'm not getting to bed on time at all. And we aren't getting up and about in the morning on time. My life runs so much smoother when I can get up, shower, dress, and do a few basic chores in the house before the children get up. Well it is not happening in one bit! Homeschooling has not been up to par to what it needs to be. I'm having a hard time planning and making dinner and I"m very tired of eating out and living such an unhealthy life style. I want to dust off my running shoes and start running again and I have been unable to get there yet.
On Friday and Saturday our family got away. We went to D.C. and a place called Great Falls. I got to see one of my best friends in the whole world. It was a nice trip. Yesterday the kids and I went to Lancaster to a childrens' museum and I got to see my other best friend in the whole world. So I'm very happy to have those "time outs" (and will blog about them soon.)
But when your home base is chaotic and not stabilizing or restorative to your spirit, no amount of fun and relaxation can fix the problems. I come home and my kids are still awake at 10pm, my house and laundry are still a mess, the dryer is still on the fritz, and dinner is still an unknown question mark. It doesn't work.
I'm going to look at my calendar for the month of April with a critical eye and see what I can cancel or postpone and try my best to just be home. And... I called my friend and massage therapist up and have a massaged scheduled for this Friday at 1!
My name is Melissa you don't know me, but I read your blog through Sommer Finnigans. After reading this I thought for sure you were describing my life( minus the homeschooling)! Its nice in a way to know I am not the only person who feels this way! Hope things get better and less hectic for you.
ReplyDeleteMan Dawn I feel your pain, especially with the laundry and for me it's my bathrooms. It's just hard to have the motivation to do something that never ever ends, and never stays clean. Good luck with it all though and hang in there. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels discouraged with housework and life in general. Sometimes it just seems like too much and I want to hide under a rock. You have a lot going on right now Dawn, it's understandable why you would feel overwhelmed. I personally don't know how you do it all. Keep plugging away and hang in there. Oh and remember at the end of the day what the most important thing is how much time you spent with your kids, and I think you're a champ at that!
ReplyDeleteJust breathe. And then breathe some more. "All things work for good..." Romans 8:28
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