Giving Myself Permission....

This afternoon I took the boys out to a local favorite nature spot. We meet several friends there. Good friends. Friends who  have been such a huge support to me since Garrett was less then six months old. Friends who I don't see as often as I should these days.

As the children ran around like crazed maniacs, reminding me of Lord of the Flies, we mothers chatted. All morning I had looked forward to this chance to talk to my friends. In essence- pouring half my guts out to them about all my current parenting woes, set backs, frustrations and insecurities. (The children did calm down into more focused playing in the river and I did calm down and made sure others had enough time to chat about their struggles.)  It was a good, very needed visit with these wonderful friends. And I can say it was productive. It wasn't just a gripe session. And, a least tonight, I feel calmer. A bit more OK with my world and not quit desperately feeling so weak, frustrated, like things will never improve.

Tonight I give myself permission to:

• Acknowledge my feelings. Aceept them for what they are: information about me. Information about the condition of my everything. (I say everything about I can't define myself in a nutshell by saying my spirit, emotions, physical, and social self.)
• To accept my feelings with out judging myself or putting myself down, with out the negative self defeating self-talk. In other words, I give permission to love myself without strings attached.
• Hope for a brighter future, a better day. 
• Have patience and love for myself as well as with my family. 
• To celebrate small achievements and improvements, no matters how small they might appear.  

(I did eventually end up in the river and took Tristan in. It was so cute, I took his diaper off and snapped his jumper up. But his jumper is getting too small. He was playing in the water and- sure enough half his buttons had popped open and his little penis was hanging out. It was so funny. He didn't seem to mind.) 

End of Part 1.

Part 2:

On Monday we started homeschooling for the year. Garrett is considered to be in 1st grade. I feel like this year is a our first "real" year homeschooling because we were very unstructured last year, for the most part. I decided yesterday it would be a good idea to write down why I decided to homeschool. I think it will be especially helpful for rough days. So I am going to attempt to write this in a nutshell.

Brian and I come from very different educational backgrounds and experiences. Polar opposites really. And our experiences are really the springboard for the reason we ever even considered homeschooling. I was a very late bloomer academically. I started Kindergarten when I was 6 due to my birthday being Sept 19th. But I really struggled in school. I repeated 1st grade. If you do the math, you will figure that I got my driving license as a freshman in high school! At some point (I want to say around 2nd grade) I was put in "LD" classes (learning disability classes) for just about every subject except math and social studies. (Which is really funny because math is not my strong suite.) I actually remember the testing I went through in order to be placed into this class. And I remember a horrible conversation on the playground when some girl pointed out she had the test done too but it was to be put into gifted classes, and I had to to be put in the LD classes.

I really struggled learning how to read. I don't know that I really cared to learn to read for a while. Well I suppose the desire was there but not enough to struggle through with it. I had a very vivid imagination. I remember one day "reading" a book (looking at the pictures and making up my own story) and my grandma asked "why don't you try to actually read it?" Umm..no. I loved stories though. I remember sitting around during reading time. My books where so boring. I would sit there and instead of trying to read my books independently like I was suppose to, I would instead listen to the other students read out-load with the teacher from there much more exciting readers. When my step-mom, Leslie, entered the picture, I remember her reading The Secret Garden to me (and I know my mom read to me a lot too.) That was lovely- I really liked that story. I remember the Boxcar Children series was really popular back then. I wanted to read them so badly but my reading skills were not good enough. I remember getting sick with the shingle and having to stay home for a whole week, by myself while my parents worked. I picked up the book The Little House in the Prairie (or maybe it was the Big Woods one) and I slowly made my way through it. I think that was a turning point in me- a realization that I really did want to learn how to read better because then this whole world of books would be open to me, with out having to rely on others. So the motivation was there. I was only in that LD class for about 1.5 years (it was great learning style for me too- a lot of independent work which I rocked at, still did when I went to vo-tech in high school to escape high school.) For all my struggle, in 9th grade I was placed in honors English. In college I was also in honors English. I caught up mostly. But I did have holes in my education (mainly from moving a lot. Also from not picking up on concepts fast enough before the class went on to the next subject. This is one of the reasons I really stink at math and am very insecure in math.)

I was a good student. Very willing to please and to learn. But I was a late bloomer for sure. Part of it I think was my personality. I was very shy and introverted as a kid (except with my one best friend.) I was also severely made fun of by other children (this started to go away at about 6th grade but finally stopped at 7th grade. Do the math, don't forget about 2 yrs in 1st grade- that is a lot of time to suffer through being made fun of.) My family life wasn't always very stable either, (I think my parents separated right about the time I entered K) so I know that had some factor in it all too. Even though I was  a good student later in my childhood, I did go to vo-tech starting in the 10th grade to study child development. A huge factor in this choice was to make high school a bit more bearable. But to be honest, I dropped out of high school at the end of the 1st semester in 11th grade. Yup, I'm a high school drop out. But I got my GED in the state of Maryland and I have an actual Maryland High School Diploma.) So....Umm...I think I should have been homeschool. ;) 

Well, my dearest husband had the exact opposite experience. He was always gifted. He was a very smart kid. And is still a very smart adult. He is one of those people that really doesn't have much of an educational weakness. Great at math. Great at writing. He was an early reader. He was reading things like Steven King at a really young age. So young that the librarian at the local library thought he was checking out inappropriate books to read. At some point, he was bused every day to another school in order to attend a class for gifted students. He reports he really liked it. He was challenged and not bored. But things changed. The family moved in order to give his brother a new start in school because his brother was getting in trouble school. His parents though turning over a new leaf would help. Unfortunately, with the move Brian could no longer go to this class for gifted students. He ended up in normal class and was very bored. In fact, he was helping to tutor the other kids. His educational needs were not meet. He did find an outlet for himself, in his own personal time. Computers. In high school his grades were poor. I guess he was just bored and at that point didn't care. He also was struggling with some health issues. He would fall asleep in class. Once when he had fallen asleep in computer class the teacher had had all the students gather around in a circle around him. He woke up and they were all staring at him. (Turns out, he has narcolepsy. And of coarse he fell asleep in computer class. He is a computer guru and has been since he was very, very young.)  

So it is from these two very different backgrounds we come from. Why I want to homeschool? To meet my child's needs, whether those needs are average, slower then average, or gifted. To let my child learn and grown in his own time frame. To be able to linger on a subject that interests him. To be able to linger on a subject he might need extra time to absorb. Or to speed past a subject that he doesn't really care about (although I do think something we have to learn even if we don't really care to learn them!). Basically, to meet his needs. I also want to teach my child to love learning. To teach him how to learn. That learning is never over. Our whole life is one big learning experience. Learning does not stop when the bell brings and we go home on the bus. (oh, or after we finally do our homework.)

I also feel that current public school philosophy pushes too much too fast for our children. The schools are requiring more and more of our young students. Is it really working? I don't think so. I would much rather let the kid play in the mud and be a kid. Academics come soon enough.

I also feel the most natural environment for a child to learn in, is in a place he feels at home. By his mothers knees. Who loves these children the most? Who knows them the best? Mother and Father!

Also, I think there are so many interesting ways to learn. So many different styles of learning. Some many philosophies on education (maybe too many good options!) I want to have options! Why limit a child to one style; public school style? Why limit a child to 4 walls? We are each so unique and individual. What may be good for 20 pupils in a class room probably is not good for at least 1 of them!

Those are my main motivations for wanting to homeschool. There are some other perks, other goals. But its getting late and this is long so I won't write about them.


Tonight I give myself permission to:

• Enjoy the homeschooling ride with my child. Relax and enjoy!
• To have fun
• To let my child grow at his own pace. (To not compare him to others. To not freak out if he is  "behind" his public school counterparts.)
• Not follow the schedule I think I should follow. To take all the time Garrett might need. 
• Be the authority on my child and his educational needs. I know him best.
• Take the pressure off. Its not my job to teach him everything.
• Grow and adapt to my needs and the needs of my children and family
  

2 Minute Sex Education Primer For Parents of Young Children

"Lets wash your head. Now behind your ears! Oh look at these feet! That is your penis. That is your scrotum. Inside of it are two little balls called testicles!" (A simple every day conversation in an every day situation- giving your kid a bath.)

Lets practice saying these words. Maybe if you practice enough you won't blush every time you give your child the appripriate label for his or her body parts:

buttock
anus
penis
scrotum
testicles
breasts
nipple
vulva (yes, lets not mislabel this and call it a vagina, its not the same thing.)
vagina
clitoris

What better way to get over your own awkwardness and fear of saying these words then in saying them to your young child, in every day life opportunities. 

"Look- that lady is going to have a baby! Her baby is growing in a special place called her uterus. You would think its growing in her stomach, but its not!"

"Mom- what is that lady doing to that baby?" "She is breastfeeding. She is feeding milk from her breasts to her baby. You know how some moms feed milk in a bottle to their babies? That mom is feeding her milk to her baby."

There. Is that really so hard?

Practice that. Then take it a step forward when ready child is ready:
-explain that the testicles make things called sperm
-explain that the baby will have to go through something kind of like a door called a cervix to get out of the uterus and through the mom's vagina into the world.
-etc, etc,

Do you want to be able to educate your child when he\she is about to hit puberty about the changes that are coming? Do you want to educate your children about sex? Your daughter about her looming menstrual cycle and fertility? Or would you rather the public school teach him? Or her friends teach her? How will you be able to talk to your sons and your daughters about sex, pregnancies, periods, breasts, pubic hair, etc, if you can't even label and name body parts when he or she is a toddler or preschooler? When you can't even explain normal, human body functions when they are in kindergarten?

It really is not that hard to start. Start now, when your kids are young, instead of starting when the stakes are higher, and the questions more challenging.

(Now if anyone has a good way for me to explain the pornography store located right next to our local post office, please share because I know that question is coming soon.)

The Habit of Obedience

"The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days; while she who lets their habits take care of themselves has a weary life of endless friction with the children. All day she is crying out, "Do this!" and they do it not; "Do that!" and they do the other." -Charlotte Mason

Well dear reader, I can testify that the second half of that quote is indeed true. Most of our days in this household are full of endless friction with the 5 yr old doing "it not and doing the other." I hope as time goes on I will be able to reporty that the first part of the quote is also true. I can certainly use smooth and easy days and I certainly want my kids to grow up with good, strong, and noble characters.

Since deciding to slowly  incorporate a Charlotte Mason style of education with Garrett, I have been reading, pondering, and casually trying to work on habit training. But I had not fully jumped into it until this week. I finally decided it was time to start with the most important habit: obedience. Oh yes, we need to work on this! (Charlotte Mason felt obedience, attention, and truthfulness were the top 3 habits a parent should teach their children She also felt that habit training was a whole 1/3 of education!) 

On Wednesday, while sitting out on the deck, Garrett and I had a discussion about obedience. What it is. The benefits of being obedient. The disadvantages of not being obedient. We talked about Nephi from the Book of Mormon and how obedient he was to both his earthly father and his Heavenly Father.  I tried to get the message across that we would work on this together and was hoping to get his will and my will pointing towards the same goal. I don't know how sucessful I was at that, but I think it went OK.

I have to say, its only been 2 days of us working on this together and I do feel he is trying and improving already. I also feel a bit daunted with some issue- sometimes I feel like "how are we ever going to get over this issue?" (mainly his grumpy attitude, which is probably part of a whole other bad habit to unlearn.) I have also noticed that Garrett has the habit of saying "in a minute" when I ask him to do something. It automatically spews from his mouth. I had never noticed that so clearly. Another observation, and this is the main reason it took me so long to formally jump into this formal habit training process; training my kids in a habit is training myself. I have to work on me. My bad habits. My weaknesses. (One of my parenting weaknesses is I tend to get  permissive because I feel like if I'm not permissive I swing to the other side and I'm down right mean. I use permissiveness to shield me from my mean side.  I don't want to be mean (authoritarian). I don't want to be permissive either but have a hard time finding that authoritative middle ground.) I think another hurdle I have in front of me is not nagging.

So here are the things I"m focusing on with obedience. There are others but these are the ones I'm focusing my attention to the most, for me as the parent. (For time sake, these bullet points are taken directly from the book Laying Down the Rails, A Charlotte Mason Habits Handbook by Sonya Shafer. Things written in parentheses are my own words.)

For me as the parent:

•  Makes obedience a top priority
• Understands that parents are on assignment from God to teach children to obey (basically, its in a parent's job description! This one seems so obvious but I need to hear it sometimes.)

• Expects obedience (!!! So many times as a mom I'll tell my son to do something but deep inside I don't really expect that he will do it and I don't follow through.)
• Uses a quiet but firm tone of voice when telling a child to do something
• Insists on prompt, cheerful, and lasting obedience (this is one I'm not 100% sure how we will work on it.)
• Doesn't give a command unless intends to see it carried out completely. (yeah- totally need to work on this. This means I have to STOP before speaking on auto pilot and consider if its something I really want to say and follow through with.)
• Does not pester the child with excessive commands (I love how Mason points out that a child who is obedient can be trusted with a lot of liberty. There might be a few minor mishaps because of it but generally an obedient child will be able to handle a good dose of freedom.This is very true when it comes to Garrett playing outside. When I can trust he will stay within his boundaries he gets more freedom then if he has to stay in the backyard only because I can't trust him to follow the rules.)
• Yields occasionally in matters that are not crucial
• Gives reasons for commands only when appropriate (this is a big one for me because Garrett will try to talk his way out of things and will try to talk in circles, rationalize, barter, etc over every little thing. It gets old fast and its very time consuming. )
• Gives time to prepare for changes in activities (I think I'm naturally pretty good at this except I don't always follow through when I say "in 10 minutes..." )
• Teaches obedience by the time child is 1 years old (for Tristan, basically applying all the above parenting principles to Tristan as he grows up, in an age appropriate way.)
• (And finally, realizing the ultimate goal is to have children who desire to obey because its the right thing to do. And remembering that kids learn to obey their parents so they can learn to obey laws of the land, social rules, and of coarse, God.)

Wish me luck! If anyone has advice I"m open, keeping in mind my goal is always to be a gentle mama. 

On Education. A Quote.

After being slightly aware of what a "Charlotte Mason educational" is for the past 2 years, I have finally jumped into reading and learning more about this educator and her appraoch. Two of my friends are owed credit for being patient with me in answering my questions until I got to the point of actually digging into some material on-line and in books. Looks like I"ll be doing a lot of reading for a while!

Its interesting to note how at differant points in my life I'm not ready to face something but when I come back to the topic later it totally clicks. For example, the book which I'll be quoting here, I started reading it well over a year ago and just coudn't get "into it" and wasn't getting much from it. But now much later, after reading some lighter, watered down outlines to get the "big picture, " this books is really interesting and is talk to me.

Here is a short passage that spoke to me recently. Its taken from For The Children's Sake. Foundations of Education for Home and Family by Susan Schaffer Macaulay, page 8. I won't give a commontary of why I like it so much. I'll just put it out there.

"When a baby is picked up, spoken to, and loved, he is starting his education as God planned. For all our lives we are human beings, in an active state of learning, responding, understanding. Education extends to all of life. In fact, an educational system that says, one bright summer's day in the dawn of my youth, "There. Now you are educated. This piece of paper says so," is doing me a gross disfavor. The truly educated person has only had many doors of interest opened. He knows that life will not be long enough to follow everything through fully."