"Stories From Your Head"

This picture is a year old, from a 6 yr old birthday party trip. On the left is Chris, my nephew, in the middle is Garrett (now 7), and the baby is Tristan (now 20 mo.)

At bedtime my son Garrett loves to ask me "Can you tell me a story from your head?" So I have been making up stories for him for many years. Sometimes I try to get out of it because I'm tired or grumpy. I tell him I have no stories in my head tonight but he always calls my bluff. Because, honestly, it isn't all that hard to make up a story to tell your children.

I have found through conversations with other mothers that making up stories for kids can feel challenging. Moms and dads feel..."I am on the spot.... I'm not very creative....I'm not a writer so how can I make up a story?"

Here is the good news. Stories you tell from your imagination to your kids can be very simple. And the cool thing is, no matter how simple, or silly, or unimpressive it may be to book critics and adults, your small child will love it. 

Here are some tips and patterns I have followed or made up to help my stories come out:

• "Once Upon A Time...." I always start out with this! Its a classic. When I start my story I really don't need to have a plan of where it will go and what will happen. I just start with these words and figure it out as I go! Things really will start coming to you.
• "....there was a little boy who...." This is a very common second phrase for me to say. Kids love it when a story just so happens to have a boy\girl in it that is the same age as he is, or even (gasp!) has the same name or the same special event coming up. (I told lots of birthday party stories when Garrett's birthday was approaching.)
• Think adventure. A very common theme for me to use (patterned after fairy tales that I have read) is a young child going on an adventure by himself but always returning home safely. I like to show that this child usually has some internal doubt (scared, doesn't feel smart, etc.) but finds courage or what ever he needs to over come and triumph.  
• Disregard the last statement, at least sometimes. Not all stories have to have a moral or other great lesson. They can simply be fun and silly. 
• Have you ever noticed that most fairy tales has at least 3 parts to them? When my pretend character sets out on his adventure, I typically have him encounter 3 problems or 3 friends or 3 interactions with others in the stories. 
• Use objects and things that are familiar to your child. The stories don't need exotic people, places, or things. He will love a story about simple everyday life, places, and items just as much (or maybe even more) then the exotic stuff he has no direct experience with. A story about taking a bath can be just as fun as a story about a jungle expedition. 
• Its OK to cheat. Sometimes I read short stories on my own and then later retell the story from my head. Some of my favorites resources currently are: The Blue Fairy Book (fyi- these are not watered down fairy tales. Some of very, very long and some are violent. There are other Fairy Books by the same author, such as The Red Fairy Book.) 50 Famous Stories Retold (if you go through all of these there is another one called 50 More Stories Retold), Aesop's Fables, and Just So Stories.  Check out The Baldwin Project for other great (free) children literature. I also have found some funny short bedtime stories other parents have written in the NOOK library for free. There is one about some monkeys who go to the grocery store, and one about a lion who wants a birthday party so he send the monkey to the store. And Garrett loves when the book mentions the monkeys throwing poo at the lions. It receives many giggles. 
• Lastly, after you tell your story invite your child to tell a story. It can be very funny! (and often very similar to the story you just told.)

Last Night's Story

Here is a sample to get you started. This is the story I came up with last night. I highly doubt it will be exactly how I told it last night. 

Once upon a time there was a little frog who was hopping, hopping, around the pond. He meet a squirrel who was burring some nuts at the bottom of the tree. The squirrel said, "little frog, what are you doing?" "Oh, I am so hungry" said the frog, "I can't find any food to eat!" The squirrel laughed at the little frog and ran back up his tree. 

As the little frog kept jumping around the pond, he meet a rabbit eating grass near by. "Little frog, what are you doing?" asked the rabbit. "Oh rabbit, I am so, so hungry and I can't find any food to eat anywhere!" The rabbit looked at the frog, laughed, and then hopped away towards the meadow. 

The little frog continued to jump, jump, jump, looking for food to eat. Soon he came upon a chipmunk who was eating some mushrooms which were growing in the shade. "Little frog, what are you doing?" asked the chipmunk? "Oh chipmunk, I'm so very hungry and I've been looking for food all day but I can't find any, and I'm so, so hungry!' The chipmunk looked at the little frog and laughed. "Why frog,' said the chipmunk, "that is because you aren't hunting like a frog ! Don't you know you should sit very still and wait for some bugs to fly by and then SWAT! catch them with your long tongue?" The frog stopped jumping for a moment and said "Ohhh!"  

So the little frog said thank you to the chipmunk and hopped away. He found a spot near the pond, sat very still, and quickly caught all the food he wanted with his long tongue. And ever since then, he has never, ever, no never, gone hungry.

Thee End!

Quick Update

Quick Update regarding the last post...

I'm doing better. Getting all that out through writing helped. That night I talked to Brian and asked him what time I should have dinner on the table, etc. My sweet husband said "did we go over this a few months ago."  Haha, 'yes, yes we did but we will keep going over it again and again until I get it!'

So I made myself a loose evening schedule and posted it on my cabinets. Last week went pretty well. Not perfect but on target. And that is about all I can ask for or expect.

Order and Routines- Frustrations

I really need something to change here. How do you have "a house of order" and how do you stick to routines\ rhythms in your day with your children, especially if it isn't in your nature? I have been battling with this for so long and I'm just plain frustrated. I'm getting so frazzled by the end of the day and I just want to stop having to be constantly on Garrett to do what he needs to do in order to get ready for the day or finish the day. I need to build this foundation, get these kids and myself in better habits, so I can have smoother days. It really comes down to good-morning routines and  good-night routines.

I'm totally whining here. But I can't get everything done. Good things I need to be doing with my kids aren't getting done. I am not a routine\schedule person and our family before kids never was much either. I keep saying I"m going to try Plan XYZ and I just never stick with it long enough for it to actually become a habit and to work.

Here are some of my challenges I'm up against:

-My baby never gets enough sleep. I just know he doesn't. I can't ever seem to give him constant naps (plus he just has never been a good napper.) The most consisted we are getting at this point is he will take a nap around 2ish- these very often happen in the car while I drive Garrett to his classes and then sit in the car while Tristan sleep. Some of my challenge of having a consistent nap is the fact I have a school aged homeschooled kid and a young toddler. But even when we are home all week, it doesn't happen. No matter what, he is a tough napper.

-Everything seems to run late in our family and I can't seem to get ourselves set to an earlier schedule. We are getting up and ready later then we should, dinner is late, the kids get to bed late (average for the kids to be physically asleep is 9\9:30 but any meeting in the evening like church can often push it back way later! Garrett would easily stay up till 11 every night if he could get the chance.)

-Garrett is a horrible morning person and always has been. He is usually very grumpy. He usually wants to cuddle in the bed for a long time, he barely eats any breakfast (he is very, very picky with breakfast too and by the time we are finally ready to 'start our day' with school work he is 'starving.'), never wants to get himself dressed, etc.  I know it sounds like Garrett is probably so bad in the morning because he is sleep deprived. But, I have actually charted his sleep and he gets enough! He goes to bed late but will easily sleep in very late too and he usually gets all the recommended amount of needed sleep for a kid his age.)

-Garrett is a horrible dwaddler and classic procrastinator at bedtime and I usually end up yelling, threatening, and getting frustrated. I have to (for my sanity) get both kids ready for bed at the same time. The problem is, Garrett draws it out soooo long that Tristan is way over due for bed by the time we are done. It leaves Tristan having a hard time falling asleep and he isn't getting enough sleep.

The night time thing is such a problem that there are many good things I feel we ought to be doing that are not getting consistently done: we used to read chapter books before bed as a family, having a family clean up time to help 'put the house to sleep", and Garrett really does need heavy doses of cuddling at bedtime to fill his love cup, but I am usually so done and its usually so late, that by the time we can cuddle I say no or cut it way too short.

Our current routine for bed looks something like this:

• -ideally having a clean up time but this isn't always happening. At some point Garrett has to sit on the toilet too. Its suppose to be after dinner but we keep forgetting.
• -bath- I used to skip this all the time but now the baby is always so dirty they take one almost every day. The problem is it ends up way too long. They like to play in there and its my fault: I'm alway cleaning the kitchen so I let them take a long time in there. 
• -get on diapers\pjs
• -have a night time snack. This is the worse. This is where Garrett really dwaddles. I would love to skip this but he is adamant about it because he is such a horrible eater at dinner these days he is always hungry at bed time.
• -Both kids go to the bathroom to brush teeth. Again, this is where I'm constantly 'on' Garrett because he is goofing off and dwaddling to take as long as possible. Tristan is yelling and screaming a fit about getting his teeth brushed.
• -Then to my bed where I read a book to the kids together
• -At this point Garrett is suppose to go to his room and quietly read books. Sometimes Brian will cuddle with him or read him books. I stay in my room with Tristan to get him to sleep (I always 'parent' him to sleep, which I am fine and comfortable with, except it can be hard for Tristan to relax after all that pre-bed tension.)
• -Once Tristan is asleep I go downstairs to cuddle with Garrett and will usually read him another book (unless I"m super lucky and he already fell asleep.)  Garrett really does need that bedtime cuddling\connection time with me. And I'm happy to give it to him. But the bad part is he once again can be engaged when he already has been relaxed- its like he has one last ditch effort to put off going to sleep. He isn't always like that but lately (past few months) he has been back to the whole 'I'm scared of my room' problem which we seem to battle frequently.     

I really feel like the bedtime routine wouldn't be bad if Garrett would just stop fighting, dwaddling, and trying to delay the whole process. Part of the problem is me too- I have a hard time wanting to stop myself to start the whole process. The other problem is that there is not a real consistent time for bedtime to start. Its hard to have a start time when dinner isn't always the same time every day or dinner is at 7! Its hard to have a start time when I never even know when Brian will be home. So really, a lot of the problem is me. And maybe the solution really needs to start with me picking a time to switch into 'evening" mode even if my husband isn't home, and with me enforcing a "say good night to your friends" time, and "now its time to turn all electronics off for the day" time.

I'm just not good at this stuff. Its all very hard for me and my personality. And there are many things with my personality that just don't mix well with Garrett's personality. We class and make a big mess of things.

Martha The Dog, A Bit In Us All?

Martha the dog can speak because she eats alphabet soup. One day, one of her human family members is reading a book to the baby about a Dalmatian fire dog who is brave, important, and saves the day. Martha starts  fantasizing about being a brave firehouse dog. She especially dreams of sliding down the firemen's pole. Despite her human friend's attempt, "But Martha..." at explaining Martha's fantasy is not anything like reality, Martha insists she will become a fire dog. She goes to the fire station and the firemen agree to have her as their dog even though she isn't a Dalmatian. They start to show her around the place but she is very eager to see the pole. When she finally sees the pole she is scared! What a shock. In her fantasy sliding down the pole was so much fun. She goes home to practice her fire-dog skills. First she tries to get dressed in fire gear but can't do it. Then she attempts to climb a ladder, for surely this is a very important skill for her to have. But  she can't climb a ladder either! Finally, she practices holding a water hose but she fails miserably. She simples pokes holes in the hose and water sprayers everyone! She hangs her head, totally miserable and feeling like a failure. She realizes she can't do this. She thinks she is no good and simply can't be a fire dog. She goes to the fire house and tells them all her down falls and resigns. But the firemen look at her and say, "but Martha, fire dogs don't do any of those things!" She then went on to learn that her real value as a fire dog was not in climbing ladders or holding a hose or wearing special clothes but was actually in her ability to smell and locate fires.

This children's story got me to thinking. How often are we like Martha the dog? In some way we get a picture in our head of what or who we should be. These messages often are rather negative or not realistic and very often come from society. We hold onto to these expectations and beliefs even when our trusted love ones says "but Martha..." We believe we should be skinny, fit, flirtatious, smart but not too smart or geeky, we should have it all, be it all, and do what ever it takes to get us there. Some of the fantasies we hold are not bad or wrong but are simply unrealistic and warped in our minds or stem from a misunderstanding our true selves. We think we should have the perfect food storage, 100% visiting teaching every month, never yell at our kids, be amazing cooks, be perfect wives, and fabulous housekeepers. Satan or society has a way of making even great qualities and great aspirations to become stumbling blocks. We want to be good, we want to do the right things, but we are constantly falling short and can't live up to our high expectations of our selves. The result? We are discouraged and stunted. Perhaps we decide to give up, like Martha the dog, and in the process we never develop our real talent or realize our real beauty as an individual and as a daughter of God.

What do we need to do? Like Martha the dog we might need to consider where we are getting our messages from. Are we getting our mental image of our value from the world ? Martha got her fantasy based off a book and disregarded her loving friend trying to explain other wise. Martha also jumped into the fire house dog job with out really learning about the job and asking the real authorities what her role would be. How much  frustration and heartache would she have saved if she would have talked to the firemen and learned what exactly her job was! Where are we getting our messages from? Is it from God? Are we studying His words and praying to know truly what He wants from us? Or are we basing our fantasies and our expectations of ourselves from the world's voice? Are we expecting too much from ourselves and allowing fear, Satan, or perfectionism to cause great goals to become stumbling blocks? Are we willing to ask questions and look at our assumptions and stop and listen when our trusted friend (Jesus or our husband or our girlfriend, or our mom) says "but Martha...."?  

I am always amazed at how loving and patient our Heavenly Father is. He loves us so much and wants us to realize our true potential. He knows us so well and He knows all that we can be and all that we one day will be. It is Him we need to go to to completely understand what our fantasies, expectations, and goals should be. He will show us our value, our true value. It should not be the world. It should not be Satan's whisperings turning good and honorable goals and expectations into stumbling blocks. We are all God's children. He loves us and yes, no matter how far off the path we have gotten thinking we need to be a certain type of person, like Martha, we can go to Him and really learn what He wants us to be and what we should aspire too. With true knowledge from Him, with true understanding, hard work, and His grace we can be that woman He designed us to be and ignore the voices of the world.

Two Anecdotes about Garrett

Taken at the NJ Aquarium last month. I really need to upload pictures off my cameras!

Garrett has officially turned 6 and half years old. He is getting big but yet is still very young is a lot of ways. Parenting gets harder and harder it seems. Why do I think this? Because the child becomes more complex, his world is more complex, and so the problems and challenges are more complex. Garrett and I seem to go through rough patches, more frequently then I want to admit. Some moments I can be so angry or frustrated at him but then the next moment he is very cute and my heart melts. So before I forget any more of these stories, hereare two recent anecdotes about Garrett. (And forget I will as I had planned to write 3 but I can't remember the third one for the life of me.)





A Young Jean Piaget?

I was trying to do school work with Garrett. I was getting frustrated with his behavior. I can't remember exactly what he was doing this time but it typically involves a lot of movement, talking, playing with some toy, and generally not truely paying attention to school work. The following conversation ensued.

Me: Garrett, I'm going to send you to the zoo!
Garrett: What will they feed me?

Me: Hay and grass and fish

Garrett: They are going to feed me what the animals eat?
Me: Yes. I am going to send you to the zoo because you are acting like a wild animal!
Garrett: I'm not acting like an animal. I"m acting like a kid. Kids play!

ummm... Thank you young Jean Piaget for the reminder.  (Over the past several years I often quote "A Child's Work is Play" to Garrett when he wants to watch tv or play video games and I tell him to go play. I guess the message has sunk in. Lets hope he doesn't use it further to wiggle out of school work.)

I find it funny and interesting too that his first question was "what will they feed me."

 A Young Metalhead? 

For some reason we were sitting in the parking lot of our local grocery store eating Arby's Chocolate Turnovers (thank you Arby's for bringing 'em back!) and listening to music on the radio. The Metallica song "Seek and Destroy" came on. This is a heavy metal song and its really long- almost 7 minutes. Well Garrett put down his chocolate turnover and started rocking out to it on his air guitar. It had to be the most elaborate air guitar-ing I have ever seen him do. It was so funny and cute at the same time. And he did it for the whole dang song. After the song was over I explained to him that genre of rock music is called "Heavy Metal" and in the future if he wants to listen to that kind of music he should ask for "heavy metal rock." Then he proceded to observe that the radio station we were listening to is programmed channel #1 in our radio. Then, for over a week, every time we got in the car he would automatically say "Turn it to channel 1. I want the rock." So funny. Gotta love it. We butt heads over it though because I am a major channel surfer when it comes to music and my nerves can not always take heavy rock anymore.

Ever since this little episode I have noticed him really rocking out and dancing to music a lot. (He has always loved to dance and listen to musis. Often if we are having a rough day or just a blah day I will turn on the mp3 player and we dance. That gets him going.) When Aunt Heather, CJ, and Garrett were riding in the car together they pulled up to me all three of them were playing various imaginary instruments to the TSO, the drums, violin, and guitar, and they wouldn't come out of the car until the song was over. (TSO is the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, as a side note Brian and I saw them in concert twice- a very good show!) Garrett also has been saying lately, when he hears a song he rally likes, "Do you know who made that song?"  Who? "I did!" 

You should also get a peak at his awesome break-dancing abilities. Its very entertaining. (And I learned that the music he likes to dance to has a name\classification I never knew existed. Its classified to different beats per minute, like 160 BPM. So all the song in that genre can be easily mixed on a turn table, or something like that.)  ;) 

Don't worry. We listen to a lot of different music around here. Mostly because Brian finds it all and he is more culturally diversified them I am, although I am pretty diverse as well.   

ok... I remember another story to share. This one is a tad bit embarrassing for me.  I'm going to use fake names for the other people in this story.

A Young Arms Dealer?

 Garrett was sitting at the table one evening having a snack. He said "mom, I have 8 dollars!!" How do you have 8 dollars Garrett?? (You should know Garrett loves money, love spending money, and loves acquiring money.)  "Benny gave me 5 dollars and I had 3 in my account." Why did Benny give you $5 Garrett??? "He just gave it to me!"  No Garrett, he did not just give you 5 dollars. Ok, what did you guys trade? You know you aren't suppose to do that! (Garrett and Benny will trade toys often and buy toys from each other, something they have both been told not to do, especially since they have little understanding of value and the fact some things belong together.)  Garrett says "umm...I sold him a little parachute man."  Garrett, I don't believe Benny would buy that little toy you got from the dentist for $5. And even if he did, you are giving his money back and you will get your toy back. I think you are lying and I'm going to call his parents. (but I wait about 15 minutes and Garrett still isn't giving me more information.) 

So I called the parents who were at the shopping center getting ready to leave for a Thanksgiving trip. I tell the mom "Garrett has 5 or 8 dollars that Benny gave him for something. He tells me it was for a little man but I don't really doubt it and don't know the whole story." Let me ask Benny says the mom. It took a while for her to come back to the phone..."ohh, it was a fishing knife!"  Oh My Gosh! I knew exactly what knife this was. Its not a pocket knife, but an open, two sided knife storied in sleeve.The blade is several inches long "Umm...we will come back and drop it off!" said the mother. 

First of all, talk about being embarrassing . I very ungracefully said I was sorry this happened, and that I tell the two boys all the time not to trade\buy stuff from each other, and that I know the fishing knife was in Garrett's tackle box which was way up high in his closet where he can't reach it, so one of the bigger boys must have gotten it down. But luckily these neighbors and I are friends and both down to earth and they were not mad about it. Benny confirmed that he gave Garrett $5 and not $8 and the father brought the knife back. 

Now isn't in interesting that Garrett had the street smarts to try and lie about  what he sold to Benny, because he knew that he should not have given him a knife nor been playing with it at all. Yet he wasn't smart enough to just keep his mouth shut about having $8. It goes to show that when we are kids we think we are so smart and then don't understand how our parents always find things out  (and they say "a little birdie told me") but really we just can't think a thing through all the way.

The knife is a knife that was in his little fishing tackle box. Grandpa put the knife in there for when they went fishing together so they could cut lines and stuff. The day before Garrett had re-discovered his tackle box and brought it upstairs while I was in the bathroom or something and then proceeded to show me the knife. He wanted to pretend to fight with it. umm, no son, we don't do that with a real knife! But silly me put it in the closet, on the top shelf on top of a box. There was no way Garrett was going to get it again, but I wasn't thinking about all the bigger boys that come to our house. What Garrett finally admitted was that he told his friends "want to see a knife?" and told them to get the box down. And supposedly Benny liked it and offered to pay for it (but I never believe any of these boys 100%. It could have easily been Garrett who suggested the trade seeing how much he loves money right now.) 

So that is Garrett, a young arms dealer!! (And sadly this isn't the first time a knife escaped our house. Once I happened to go into Garrett's room and found an empty wooden box that held a gift set of a pocket knife, pliers, a small flash light, and other things like that. I immediately went outside and tracked the 4 boys down at another neighbors house and they each forked over an item. They said they were going to wittle or something like that. The items came from a box set that belonged to Brian and was usually in his computer room but we were moving some furniture around. A book case from that room ended up in Garrett's room and the box was in it, and thus they found it.

Not Just A Mother to Sons...

(note: the post says this was posted on the 16th but really its the 17th. )

Its that time of year again, when I celebrate and remember my little daughter who left our lives way too fast. Today marks 8 years that our Sierra Mae was born still and silent and very, very tiny. Eight years! When I think eight years, I think of how Sierra should be getting baptized in May. (She was suppose to be born around May 1st 2003.)  So much has changed since our first baby came to us for such a short time....

Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.

Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. The lives of all of us, of course, go through similar alterations and changes. The difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes.  President Monson

Back then... I was taking my last college class to finish my associates degree. It was statistics and I had a super nice (and cute!) math teacher. The final exam got snowed out and was rescheduled for the day we were going back to the specialist to check on Sierra and attempt another amnio on me. I asked Professor Lukie if I could take the test in the testing center the day before. So on Dec 15th I took the final. On Dec 16 I found out my baby had died. I was a graduate. I never did walk down the aisle because I was in grief but I do regret that now since I have never went to any graduation.

Back then.... I was working at the mall at the San Francisco Music Box Company. My boss and I were pregnant at the same time. She was a bit further along then me. Before I got pregnant I was always so busy with going to school full time, working part time, and having internships. But at the time I was pregnant with Sierra I was preparing to be a stay-at-home mom. I only had 1 school class and was just working part time until I would stop at some point during my pregnancy. I remember feeling bad that I couldn't work during the busy Christmas season because of my grief. And I remember how it was hard to go back to work, especially seeing so many pregnant women in the mall. And knowing your co-workers just don't know what to say or do around you.  

Back then... I was serving in the Young Women program in my ward as a Mia Maid advisor and also the camp director. I remember wondering out loud to my good friend Amber, who was in the presidency, if I could possibly do camp the following year with a young baby. (Shudder- now I would never even consider such a thing!) When Sierra died, I think it was a new experience for the YW leaders that I served with and they didn't know what to tell the girls. So they told them nothing. Finally it was pointed out that the YW needed to know before I came back to church and she told them. I remember a short time later baring my testimony to the YW, with lots of tears on my part. 

Back then... my dad was getting really sick. The day I gave birth to Sierra he had surgery. He was in Delaware. I was in Baltimore. Then a few months later, on what should have been Sierra's due date, I was at Brian's grandfather's funeral in Alabama. I gave my in-laws Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness pins to wear that day. When I got home I received a phone call that my dad was really sick and needed my help. It was a lot of trauma for a long time helping him. He was dying of liver failure due to Hepatitis C. It was rough. What a rough period of my life. But that is another story for another day. (He ended up not dying and getting a liver transplant while I was pregnant with Garrett.)

Back then... we decided to move to a new county. We wanted to get away from the city and we wanted to buy a house we could afford. We also wanted to be closer to Brian's family, especially considering we though we might have a child with special needs. We put our depoist down while I was pregnant with Sierra. We ended up moving into our new rental townhome in Bel Air about 3 months after Sierra's death. I remember helping unload the moving truck and seeing the expressions on the face of church members who were helping us when they pulled out a box that said Crib on it. They were concerned that I must be pregnant and I was helping to move heavy boxed. But I wasn't pregnant, not any more. Moving to a new place during this time was a bit hard. I was all alone. No school, no job, no baby. A soon to be sick father. And no one knew about my baby and how fragile I was right then. What was I and what role did I have to identify myself as? I spent a lot of time crying. Brian went to work. I was home alone. I spent a lot of time on the computer. It was  rough. And I felt so awkward. A married person. A mother but not a mother. Its hard to make friends and feel connected to anyone in a state like that.

Now it is 8 years later. Things are so different. I am in the thick of parenting. On any given month my days are spent homeschooling, cub scouting, helping breastfeeding moms, attending birth circles or potlucks for homebirthers, taking Garrett to speech, occupational therapy, playdates, co-op, field trips, serving in the church, vacuuming crumbs off the floor for the 10th time in a week, washing cloth diapers and too much laundry, soothing a teething baby, laughing at my cute little toddler saying "hi" to people in Target. I have two boys. I love my boys. I love being a mom to boys. My days are filled with being mom. Almost all my hobbies, passions, and interests are directly related to being a mom. And frankly, I have to thank my Father in Heaven for giving me Sierra to teach me, to help form me into who I am today. I know I am a better mom. A more conscious mom. Better educated (because I learned to ask questions and research) and I am more aware of what type of mom I want to be. I am so thankful for wonderful, low risk pregnancies. For healthy babies, with the correct amount of chromosomes! I am more compassionate to others. And hopefully my testimony is stronger for it all too. I learned a bit of the way God works. Of how He can put things and people in your path to help you along the way. Like a young woman's leader who I adored as a teen who shared with our little class way back when how her little twins died. She gave birth to them and held them in the palm of her hands. And how that YW leader, although now across the country, was still there to support me when I went through it...... I can thank the Lord that good things came out of sad things.   

So here I am. A mom to boys.

But I am a mom to a girl too. Its just different. This year is I find myself wondering, what would a baby girl B. look like? How would it be like to raise a girl? Now that I see how different Tristan and Garrett are in personality, I really wonder what would Sierra have been like? So what would motherhood look like with a little girl in my house?  I am sad because I think I will never have another girl (because supposedly we aren't having more babies.) I'll have to depend on daughter-in-laws to take that roll (I better start praying for awesome daughter-in-laws who love me and don't think of me in a dreadful way.)  

One of my saddest regrets (that I had no control over) is that I didn't get more time with Sierra. I would have loved to have carried her full term even though we knew she would die. I just wanted more time. And I would love to have been able to see what she really looked like, to see her hair, to be able to say "she looks like....", to be able to have at least 1 photo I felt comfortable sharing with others. To have been able to hold her in my arms and not just my hands. I still am sad that the Lord took her away so quickly. But it was His will and I can see too that my dad needed me when Sierra should have been born. And if Sierra was born in May, like my due date indicated, things would have been a lot different and rougher for my dad and me.

So I think this is the end of my post. Except I have decided to share a few things from the past. One is a poem I wrote called My Motherhood. I'm not a poet, so don't expect greatness, but it depicts what my Motherhood was like-a stark contrast to the realities of my current state of motherhood. (Sadly I don't have the exact date I wrote it. The computer says it was last modified Jan 2004 but that doesn't mean much to me.)

I'm also going to share some pictures. I don't have many pictures and many are poor quality- this was before we had a digital camera. I do  hesitate to share these because they are sad. I used to look at them all the time and not feel weird for sharing them. But they are incredibly sad looking to me now.  But I think its time to share them again. (And as a side note, I have never in 8 years watched the video we made when I was in the hospital giving birth to Sierra. But last week I took my videos to the camera shop to get them converted to DVDs. When I get them back I think I'm finally going to watch the video. )   Now for the poem and pictures...

My Motherhood.

I am a mother who… 

Loved and cherished you, my sweet child, no matter what disability of the body you had. I was willing to do anything to give you the best chance at life.

(I dreamed of helping you reach your fullest potential, no matter what that potential was)

I am a mother who…

Prayed to the Lord pleading to please let my child live. To grow up with me and Daddy. But then humbly prayed only for the Lord’s will and not mine to be done.

(Knowing that He has all power and knows so much more then my small mortal perspective can see or comprehend)

I am a mother who…

Had faith that the Lord really was in control and you are one of His special spirit children.

(For the Lord told me so. How then should I doubt?)

I am a mother who…

Had hope even when there appeared to be none.

(At times it was hard to find hope. But faith is dead without hope.)

I am a mother who…

Ensured that your small body was respected and cared for.

(For it was the temple of your spirit, if only for a short time. And will one day be made

 perfect and resurrected.)

I am a mother who…

Willingly shared you with your grandparents and aunt despite that our time was       so short together.

(For I could have never let you out of my arms, knowing that mommy and daughter time was already limited.)

And I’m a mother who…

thinks you are the cutest six inch baby to have ever been born. And perfect in every way.

(Despite what the doctors say.)

  

I am a mother who…

Chose to love even though it surely meant certain heartache.

(For what they say, “Better to love and have lost then to never loved at all,” is true.)

 And now that you are gone…

I am a mother who preserves your memory.

(I will never forget you Sierra Mae.)

And now that you are gone…

I ask Heavenly Father to bless you with strength and energy to fulfill your  heavenly mission.

(For I know your task must be hard.)

And in my prayers I remind you to “be good and remember I love you,” even though I know you already know!

 I love despite the pain. I miss you with all my heart .

(Only a mother can say that)

I am a mother.

I pray that we will be sustained until we meet again.     

These pictures are from our first ultrasound, where it was very obvious that she had a chromosomal problem.  The pictures of her hand and feet are special to me because these pictures were not originally given to me. When she was born the nurses tried to get a foot print for me but they were unable to. So I went back to the specialist and asked for the picture of her foot. The Dr. was so sweet and gave me a bunch more pictures to keep, these two included. If you notice in the first picture that outline around her head and body, that is bad stuff. Its fluid build up. 

 

This is me three weeks later waiting for the next ultrasound. This is when we found out she died. I sort of had suspicions. Yes, I am smiling. When bad things are happening I can't always be serious. That is my mother-in-law, Clara as well.

A few minutes later from the last picture. All curled up, already at peace

 (ok, do you see why ultrasounds are a bit anxiety producing for me? These were my first and only experiences with ultrasounds during pregnancy. And this is also why its a pet peeve of mine when people say "we are going to see the sex of our baby today!" Because really, you are going to see if your baby looks normal and healthy or abnormal and unhealthy.)  

 The night I was being induced. Below: My mom, mom-in-law, and sister-in-law. They eventually all went back to my house late at night. Sierra was born early on the 17th while Brian and I slept. My water broke and she was delivered right then. I was really drugged and had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I had to send her away until I could sleep off the medication.

Holding Sierra Mae

Holding Sierra Mae

Grandmas holding her. I don't know why this picture came out so terrible.

If you read this terribly long post... thank you for letting me share. When I share I feel I am keeping some of her memory alive.

4 Little Duckings

If you see me this weekend you will see not 2 but 4 little ducklings following me in a row. Ok, ok, they will probably be running around crazy since human children don't know to follow mother\aunt in an orderly fashion, and chances are at least 2 of them will be yielding some type of (toy) weapon. Brian is out of town for the weekend and Garrett and I are having 2 cousins spend the weekend with us. The kids have been dying to play together and this gives their mama a much needed break from 24\7 solo parenting (she still has the 1 yr old though, so not a complete break.)

Heather and the kids came in the afternoon. All we managed to do was go out for ice cream. But the kids played at the house and outside for a while too. I pushed both babies on the purple bike, with Tristan standing on the back. It was cute. The ice cream store Christopher's Train Garden sitting outside again. We went in there and it was really neat. The kids loved it. Its a memorial thing for a 15 yr old who died. We meet his mother and talked to her a for a bit. I need to take the boys back there again, it was fun. I put Sierra's name on the angle train and Heather put Chris Sr's name.

The kids have been good. A bit hyper as always but not too bad. I hate to admit it but Garrett really is the hyper one! We watched a really funny\silly movie called Shorts tonight while eating pizza. We also had a quick surprise visit from the missionaries. And the kids have just been playing really well all night. It took a while to get them all in bed. Ariel was ready at about 8 to go to bed but its hard to get one to bed while the others are up. She wanted to sleep on the couch. The boys wanted the air mattress in the living room. So when I finally got them all in their beds after baths, snacks, books, teeth, talking on phone with Heather, saying goodnight, I went to our bedroom to put Tristan down and Ariel came up twice (she just turned 4). Once to tell me the tree was sparkling and then to tell me she heard a noise. So I said "Do you want to sleep with me"? and she said yes. But it was funny because here the two boys come trailing in behind her. Garrett wanted to sleep with me because he was scared. I told them both to go back downstairs and I'd check on them when I was done putting baby to sleep and they could put 1 big light on. so that worked and they were all asleep by the time baby was asleep.  Ariel kept talking for a while though until I said "ok, go to sleep now!" The really cute thing is that I asked her today if she wanted to sleep in my bed and she was very sure of herself that she could sleep all by herself downstairs!

I'm going to take them to the Estuary center tomorrow morning. Then I am meeting Kim, Percy, and Kids  at the mall by temple for dinner and then the Christmas lights at the temple.